Posted by Honore on April 28, 2007, at 20:53:45
Since I haven't been able to work for the last 18 days, it's been really hard to keep myself together. Not that it is always easy when I work---
Ive become kind of zombie-like and it seems as if I'm going to disappear. If that is the feeling. Or perhaps that I already don't exist and never will again.
I'm afraid that when I can work again, I won't be able to, just like high school when I was always afraid that I had lost my intelligence. I can never tell if anything that I care about having or being is still there-- I feel stupid now, for example, but then it seems it doesn't matter, since I'm not doing anything that requires intelligence. But it used to torment me that I didn't know anything in graduate school-- and that I felt so without any inner resources with which to make a name for myself-- even in a very small program. In fact no one know I was there-- I disappeared, and it was to the other students, as if I weren't there anymore.
And now I feel a little as if I'm not here anymore because I haven't worked in almost three weeks. Haven't been allowed to pickup a pencil or eraser-- and I realize that I now dont' know if I'll be able to, when it's all right again. I get scared when I go into my studio, and it seems like the emptiness and silence, and dimness in there are something I can't ever transform. It was only recently that I was so in the stream of things, and now the stream has ceased completely.
I can't imagine that there will be one again.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:754275
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/work/20061208/msgs/754275.html