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Re: 5 months on 2/9 » Sabrina_0805

Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 10, 2006, at 20:34:20

In reply to Re: 5 months on 2/9, posted by Sabrina_0805 on February 10, 2006, at 17:07:42

Sounds trite, but
Don't drink, Go to meetings, Ask for help.
Sometimes it's not easy. I do still want to drink at times. Thee liquor store is right next to the Goodwill store and the Dollar store. There are so many times I just want to walk into that liquor store. I miss my Glendronach.
Just because I want it though doesn't mean I have to have it. A line from The Matrix. Trinity says to Neo... " You've been down that road. You know where it goes". Or something like that.
That's what a bottom is. It's where you've reached a point that you don't want to go back to. It doesn't mean you've lost a house (which I did). It doesn't mean you've been in prison (which I haven't).
It's something different for everyone. It's about what do you have that you don't want to lose, or what is it that you've lost that you desperately want back. Where has addiction taken you that you never want to visit again?
Those are the thoughts that I need to keep fresh. My daughter, who I've barely spoken to in the past 4 years or so gave me a ride home from a meeting last friday night. To me, that's HUGE. 4 years ago, she was terrified of me. I was out of control. I'd blow up screaming at my family at the drop of a hat. I think she's finally beginning to test the waters. I don't blame her for not talking to me... I wouldn't talk to someone who was as out of control as I was.
5 months ago was the end of my bottom. I woke up in intensive care with an NG tube, a catheter, IV's, etc. In the ER, I was in restraints because I was trying to pull out the NG, I was swearing and screaming at people. I nearly killed myself.
You know what? It's not that hard if I keep those memories fresh to remember why I want to stay sober.
That doesn't mean it's easy... H*ll no. I was talking to a man at a meeting tonight who will have 27 years in a few weeks. Even he was having trouble today after receiving the terrible news that his brother is dying. But he thinks that drink through, recognizes where it will lead him, and he avoids taking that drink.
Someone said "constant vigilance", and they're correct.
I'm a wimp. I like to have things my way. I'm selfish and often self-centered. I'm not strong or corageous or anything special. In AA, I've met people much smarter, stronger, healthier and with greater faith than I'll ever be.
I figure that if I can get this, anyone can.
There's no need to be envious or jealous. If, and when you really want this, just come and get it. It's really not beyond you.
Blessings,
--Dee


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poster:deirdrehbrt thread:608362
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060205/msgs/608489.html