Posted by Impermanence on November 12, 2005, at 2:29:23
It's been a while since I posted here, I hope my fellow peeps are doing O.K., there are a few here I remember who where going through a sh*t time when I left, I hope you're doing O.K.
It's been good for me, I guess I'm here to spread a message of hope, I was as bad as it gets and I've pulled through so believe me when you get past your period of darkness you can and will see a light. Funny thing is I still drink but not like I used to. I don't take class a drugs or smoke weed anymore, I'm off antidepressants and benzos for good 'thank God' but at the weekends I have a few lagers. Trust me from someone who was a hopeless drug abuser and alcoholic it's amazing. I've just lost the addictive drive, well got it under control, I've mellowed out. I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore!!!! I've had a complete turnaround.
It's no rose garden, I have sh*t days, In fact I wake up most mornings wishing I was dead and the first action I have is grabbing my coat so I can fu*k off to the off liecnce or to my mates to get a bottle of vodka, a few lagers and/or an ounce of weed, whatever... But I always pull through, I have a coffee and a Nicorette gum LOL, It's sad but it works, I get over my little morning impulse. It's so fu*king strong at first, it grabbs me by the throat and kicks me in the ba*ls, In fact I was probably dreaming about some drug I used to abuse. But I fight off the initial phase with will power and a deep hatred for how my life used to be and I win, I WIN. The birds sing, my ambition hits me, everything works, I feel good, yes I feel good, I win. I go through the day an hour at a time and I keep winning. I could fill you with sh*t and say it's easy, but its not easy, it takes work, you have to really want to be clean. And when you really do, like magic it happens, it really does.
I still drink a few cans / pints of lager every weekend, I drink 12 on a Friday night and 12 on a Saturday, it's VERY hard on the morning after not to hit the sh*t and spend the day plastered, it's actually hardest for me then But if I didn't allow myself the chance to have a few at the weekend I'd be dead now, and thats a fact. Everybody is different, That 24 lagers at the weekend keep me off the smack and the spirits and it gives me something, albeit small, it gives me something to look forward to at the weekend. I have to have something, I tried it with nothing and tried it with just weed and it doesen't work, I get too complacent and paranoid and usually end up buying ounces of the stuff and end up back on benzos, coke and vodka. I just give in with weed, I get too bored with nothing. It seems to work with just a few lagers alone at the weekend so why change a good thing. I've been doing this for months now without any setback, I feel like I've won the battle but I know I'll never win the war, I always have to observe my actions and mood. Something I didn't talk much about was getting off the 'prescribed' drugs, they where hardest of all. I was on Lexapro and bromazepam, the benzos for years, well I done it like they tell you, just keep cutting down. The Lexapro was HELL,that sh*t like all antidepressants is POISON. The benzos took months but I knew what to expect. I'm 1000 times more confident since I got off the crap my doctor was giving me to feel better, don't listen to them people, Exercise and a healthy diet is what you really need, not toxic crap, but each to their own.
Anyway, that was a bit of a rant lol, I just thought of this place and the wonderful people I met here and had to check in and post. I'm having a beer or four as I post this so forgive me if its not making sence to you, and if you're in that dark place just know others have been there, no matter how extreme and scary or boring it feels, it will pass, you will feel better, trust me.
poster:Impermanence
thread:577964
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20051106/msgs/577964.html