Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 26, 2004, at 11:48:01
In reply to Re: Tis the season to..., posted by Slavegirl on December 25, 2004, at 18:19:25
To Slavegirl (and All),
Thank you for your post. I have spent years under the delusion that, if I only had children, I could never be lonely again. This despite the fact that my sister has a WONDERFUL, PERFECT (in my opinion) daughter and is still an outsider in the world. And also despite the fact that I have always known that my own parents are profoundly lonely people, though my father has always SEEMED to prefer solitude (like me) and my mother has always SEEMED to attract a crowd to herself...an adoring crowd at that. Even my grandparents, with their vast wealth of grandchildren, were desperately lonely people. But this delusion persists despite evidence to the contrary. Just like the Hallmark fantasy that lures us in, even when everyone we know suffers in some way.
This may sound depressing on its face, but something that has helped me a lot in the past two years or so is to remind myself that the ONE thing that ALL human beings have in common is suffering. There is no life without suffering. Even my cat is subject to loneliness, I have learned. I take care of other people's pets, too, while they are away with their families, and watching a big, strong Tom cat stand facing the baby's play pen and cry piteously without cessation reminds me that all creatures can miss their fellows.
But, what makes this shared loneliness a good thing, in my mind, is the belief that we can put a temporary end to it by reaching out to others for their sake. For me anyway, the thought that I can comfort someone else makes me feel comforted (perhaps this comes from being raised co-dependant in a family with lots of mental illness and substance abuse, but why analyse the sh** out of it?).
I now lead the life my mother would have wanted for herself...I'm very independent, I make a good living, I don't have children and am therefore free to pursue my "dreams." My mother has spent her life thinking that a life like mine was what she needed to make her happy, and I can tell her with authority that it doesn't do the trick for me. I can't seem to get even one husband, let alone three, like her. I haven't even started having babies, and she'd finished before she was the age I am now. We just have to stop playing the "what if" game, I think.
So, after I write this, I return to my apartment for ONE, and I clean it for my own sake because I am sure that I won't have any visitors any time soon. And I clean it for my cat's sake, because she has to live here, too. And then I will get on the phone and call all my lonely friends and tell them how wonderful they are, because NOT ONE of them knows it, to my constant amazement. And I will comfort myself with the thought that this idea we all have of our own failures is what keeps us moving forward in life. And I will secretly hope that I never stop feeling like I could still do better because, when I stop feeling that way, what motivation will I have to get out of bed on that day?
Wish me luck. Wish me a husband. Don't wish me contentment, though, because then it's all over.
poster:yellowbrickroad
thread:433564
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041128/msgs/434272.html