Posted by lorily on July 8, 2004, at 12:14:01
In reply to I need to hear things like your post » lorily, posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 2:13:32
Caper, I'm so glad what I wrote reached someone. This is what it's all about, one alcoholic helping another. Someone else wrote they totally disagreed with me. I USED to disagree with me, too. That boy told you his father committed suicide/died an alcoholic death probably because, as you mentioned, he is aware of your disease. People don't just say things like that to just anyone--I'm sure you'd never say "oh, I'm miserable, I'm an alcoholic, I'm sick and I don't know how to stop" when someone asks "how are you today?" But if you do get to AA, you can say things like that. (And even get help) I don't go to alot of meetings anymore-I definately won't say I don't need to--but today, I don't have to, right now. Tomorrow I may need to go to several. I've tried it all different ways, marijuana maintainance (pot runs out, liquor store on corner) Drink when boyfriend does (boyfriend crackhead) besides--I'd go out for a pack of cigs and he'd find me in a detox a couple weeks later. another good one was to just accept that i'm an alkie and live like one--homeless, panhandling, hooking up with someone to run with. It was a sick, disgusting world. And somehow I felt that it wasn't, I just existed for the nest drink. It was a long nearly 8 years of in and out. I've been to mulitple rehabs, flop houses, programs, detoxes, sleeping on the street, meals at soup kitchens. A slice of bologna and a slice of cheese between two slices of bread and a cookie meant I'd eaten for the day. I have been unemployable, I have been terrified to work. I have tried to slit my wrist, I have later tried to plot my suicide in a way that would be quick and wouldn't hurt anyone (ie, couldn't throw myself in front of a truck-the driver would be tortured the rest of his/her life)
As I've mentioned, I got with the depression, took meds--they actually freed me to be able to work a program of recovery, not just go to AA meetings, coffee shops, engage in the cliques, et cetera. Ive been doing this so long, I knew everything not to do, I just couldn't work the program, I was miserable no matter what. Everything was no use. When I was finally not depressed, I realized how depressed I used to be!!
Today I am weaning off the meds (almost done! YEAA) I live with a wonderful man in recovery. I have a great dog, a nice apartment and am planning on leaving my low stress LOOOOOOOOOWWW PAY job and going to school full time for medical assistant (9 mos.) Then I will pursue school for ultrasound technician(11 mos.) I'm not sure how the med asst will pay, but it's a stepping stone for the other school. My only concern is medical ins, which I will apply for charity care. Right now I am saving all my money to pay the difference the loan won't cover, and to have my own money aside for the holidays, my needs, et cetera.
See, life can turn around. I never thought it would, even at times when I was abstinant, I was miserable and felt stuck--why not drink? Getting honest and accepting the depression as well was the real first step. Jumping into the step work as outlined in the Big Book (the one that's been telling us how to do it since 1935) with someone to guide me, not alone, getting through that "dreaded" 4th step, and the follow-up 5th step (THE ONES THAT SET YOU FREE--JUST LIKE I'D HEARD EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT THAT WOULD NEVER WORK FOR ME------WORKED FOR ME) I still have to do my 8th and so on. Most of the people I have harmed ammends have already been made, I don't know where they are (probably dead) and the rest ARE dead.
poster:lorily
thread:362631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/364058.html