Posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2014, at 19:50:35
In reply to Re: yay..., posted by alexandra_k on July 24, 2014, at 16:07:52
well, there goes week one. feel like i've been rolled over by a steam train... or whatever that saying is, i forget.
it is a shock to the system having 9am class and then 4pm class... not used to getting up so early... not used to finishing up so late... i think i develop a different relationship to sleep when i have a time to get up by... i think once i get used to the routine objectively i do better for it... and i simply can't manage to develop the routine when i don't have scheduled classes... but it is a bit of a shock to the system while i try to adapt.
law is... well, nobody else seems to take much in the way of notes... but she gets through a great deal of content and i don't see how else we are supposed to learn it... so... i'm getting 3-4 pages in 50 minutes. if my memory serves me right... that will become more like 6... and, yeah, i'll manage to crank out around 12 pages in the 2 hour exam at the end of the semester. dealing with hand cramps and so on... my words are tripping over each other. ha. i have learned... my verbal writing skills have deteriorated through disuse. that is... surprising... but not surprising... i feel happy for it. i thought it would be so... i'll be fast to pick things back up. glad for the course.
biology is actually hardest because... yak yak yakkity yak right the way through lectures. people like to talk. i think a bunch of kids are drawn to biology because it seems easier than other classes. tis true that biology isn't hard, really. that isn't the point. it is more... the masses and masses and masses of information that you are expected to retain. we've already gotten through quite a lot of content indeed... cell types and anatomy of all kinds of critters... she's great for trying to find pretty pictures... but you have to go pretty micro indeed (nano in fact ahahaha) for flukes and co... parasitic stuff... ik.
my faith has been restored in the disability people... i went and... said about how i wanted the opportunity to present my case properly before any kind of irrevokable 'no' came out... he said they were really not at that point yet... and... well... anyway... i said my piece. and he was able to rephrase so I know he gets me. i felt properly heard. i feel calmer.
meeting with nurse from the new place didn't go so well. she is a nice person etc etc etc but may as well be from mars. she says the right kinds of things... about it being good that i talk about stuff etc... but i think we are fundamentally quite different people, really.
it is hard... i know that people have more empathy for me if they think that i am broken or defective somehow so i don't get the hang of the social thing. they pity me. want to help. they feel a lot less empathy if they think that i opt out because i... look down on it somehow. because i think people are making happy puppy noises... that i could make (by putting on a great fake effort). that i think that... other people are fake with it. which they are (which i have seen around me). people be OH MY GOD SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! then hearing them 'OH MY GOD WHAT A BITCH!' once the person is out of hearing. or 'you are discharged'. or... whatever...
labs... one thing to think I can't do it (though issues of competency are raised). another thing to think I have some kind of... moral objection about the independent work that is really group work that is really most gregarious gets most attention most flirty biggest eyes extracts the right answer from the tutors and distributes it as they see fit... kind of an opting out. less empathy.
i'm not sure what to do about htat.
i was thinking... maybe it is better if i don't go back and talk with her anymore...
but probably... it is better to see if i can learn to comunicate with her. comprimise. something like that. it is hard. i think the truth is probably some kind of middle way... i do find it hard... because i don't much care about being friends with / being popular with the 18 year old first years... but there are settings where i do care. philosophy conferences. etc. and there... social anxiety issues... social blunders... do ... prevent me. upset me. inhibit me. confound me. whatever.
anyway...
i wish i were better at physics. i like phycisists. they are good people. i get them. our lecturer was joking about 'finnish national repulsive force' and he showed us a pic of finnish people cuing for a bus. distributed. not clumped. he said it was because they hated one another and didn't want to talk. he said he comes all the way across the other side of the world to get away from finnish people. worst day if his life was to discover a finnish mathemetician 2 floors down. ahahahahahahaha. i get physicists. the class is... most distributed. most quiet. i wish i were better at physics.
anyway... back to the wormy worms... sigh. and i should get started on my physics assignment.
happy.
mostly. exhausted. but happy.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140718/msgs/1068785.html