Posted by NutsInc on September 12, 2013, at 8:22:45
In reply to Re: Worth it? OCD and relationships, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2013, at 4:42:32
> Hi. I'm probably not the best person to ask for relationship advice... But it sounds like you are wanting more emotional intimacy (you keep saying you feel kinda like a blow up doll) and you are worried that he is into old patterns around wanting a sexual outlet but perhaps nothing much in the way of anything else.
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> I guess... One idea might be to take things slow. Physically, I mean. Say that for you it is about the emotional connection and say that feeling emotionally connected (so that you won't be left feeling like a blow up doll) takes time. I think it does for most girls.
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> Some guys are more into connecting with *doing* things rather than having deep and meaningful conversations about their feelings. Going for hikes or walks or whatever. Is there stuff (aside from sex) that you like to *do* together? Does it help you feel more connected to him to do stuff together that you both enjoy?
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> If he feels like you are pressuring him into giving more than he feels willing and / or able to then he might just kind of squirm away. I'm not particularly proud to admit that I do that with people sometimes. If I don't feel that they give me the space that I need then I back off and if they still don't give me the space that I need then I don't want to have much more to do with them. If you don't text him... Then you leave him in the position of your not having texted him. If he misses you... He can text you. If he doesn't miss you... Isn't it better to find that out earlier rather than later?
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> I don't know.
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>Alexandria,
Thank you. Sometimes I guess we simply don't know for sure. I didn't mean that having sex is all we do. What may seem to me may not be true. We have a lot in common; I think that's why it's more of a mental attraction for me. I guess to sum it up I'd say his depression is what tires him (in addition to working 60 hrs/week). He's been incredibly open. Until I invaded his zone with my emotions...! I also sabotage things-- and rarely recognize when I'm doing it. I'm so fearful of rejection lately (was never before; nothing significant happened in my life except I'm much more attractive now-- Doesn't add up) that I get out/back off if I even sense it. And I could be/ often am totally wrong. I am certain he knows all of this, so enough said.Point being: I need more attention. And I'm not a very needy person. This is new to me, but I have not changed. It's merely that he's uncertain of basic guidelines, TBH! He actually appreciates it when I give him advice. Such as, "I know you're new to this. When dating someone new/less than 3 months, you don't call a woman up on a Thursday and ask if she wants to go out the next day. She will feel 1 or 2 things. 1: You want a semi booty call only. Or 2: You had other plans which didn't pan out, so you're admitting to back-burning her, even if you did not". Kinda funny.
The whole stupid 'playing it cool' worked. I know people need space-- I'm one of them!
I find the fact that he assumed we were exclusive (but not 'in a relationship') strange. I had not asked in any way at all; I never suggested a label. While its nice to know where one stands I'm not sure why I feel, hmm. Hard to explain, so try to understand my weird analogy if possible:
I feel as if I'm say... a book in a library. And he just got his library card. Before, he would only flip through magazines. Now he thinks he's ready for a book. Lucky me (hah) is his first potential novel. And he's got me, the book, on reservation, just so no one else can borrow/reserve (date) me. I'm just sitting on the shelf. On reserve. He still reads me, but a lot less than before. I'm a difficult read (no pun intended) so he's not sure if he wants to keep borrowing me. But other people glance and smile at me in a very interested way; They want to read me as well. As a book, while I'm not ready to be 'bought' and removed from the library, I like to be taken down from the shelf more often than I have been by him *lately*. And I can't ask/tell him (I could, easily) as I'd 'rush/pressure' him... It's already led to me being put on this shelf to begin with, being too hard to read for now, so he'll just peruse through me (no sexual pun intended) at his reading speed, which ATM is not enough for me. This is a response to my actions; I'm the ding bat who became too hard to read too soon.
I think he wants to borrow me for a long time (Not in a selfish way, and again, not sexual) before checking me out of the library on an extended basis, as we all like to do with something that may potentially be long term.
I realize that a) Other people can borrow me, regardless of what he thinks or knows. I wouldn't err, allow the third party to umm, dig into my index the same time he is, haha. b) I can leave anytime I want. But why would I? To only run away, as he's done nothing wrong. If it got to the point where I literally had to demand attention, I'd gladly leave, of course.
Slow down, of course. He will try to read my index, hehe, so even coming up with a plausible reason for why he no longer can-- which doesn't sound like I'm "demanding"-- would be difficult to do. And he asked me out yesterday for this weekend. It was late, I was sleeping, and I never got back to him. It's still early so good. I think I'm going to be nonchalant and get back to him without an answer. Or, more likely, not respond with the hopes of him asking me out ***NOT via text ***. Maybe this is normal and I'm old fashioned. Dunno.
The book has been treated like crap, has fragile pages and needs to be handled carefully. Oh, and it is actually that time of the month when my shelves are being dusted. :-)
poster:NutsInc
thread:1050455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130811/msgs/1050514.html