Posted by Tabitha on October 29, 2009, at 0:46:59
I came here to see how long my SSRI-free experiment lasted. Looks like about five or six weeks. I posted here on 10/3, may have been off a couple weeks by then.
I was kinda manic mostly in a good way for weeks, then kinda medium, still a bit jangly, now I'm slipping. It's the fear I can't take. I just feel a constant sense of fear. And I guess I'm seeing things skewed. Negative things seem so true. So much more true, like I'm just seeing the truth. I don't want to lose my truth.
I think it's that there's a grain of truth there, maybe a big giant grain, but I'm not seeing balance. My brain just sees that dark view.
A lot of it is about sexism. My gosh, I used to be so negative and obsessed with sexism in my med-free days. All I could see is a pecking order with women at the bottom. I saw it operating everywhere all the time. It was so miserable. On the meds, I saw it more balanced somehow. Or maybe I was just more able to overlook it. I really do think it's true there's a pressure to keep women at the bottom of the pecking order. Somebody has to be down there doing that sh*twork and providing those services. I see it in my job like crazy right now. See, here I am going on and on about it. It seems so huge and ubiquitous. I can't believe we all function with it.
So it's true, but it's not healthy for me to see it so much. Or it's a factor, but it's not the big overriding truth I see it as. I can't figure it out. It sure does make a female person feel hopeless to see it everywhere.
But the dark truth doesn't feel so bad. It's isolating to see dark truths others don't see. Everyone pulls away from the angry cranky person who sees everything through a negative filter. I know this. I've dated depressed angry men. I know it's off putting. Yet being the holder of the dark truths doesn't feel bad in itself. You feel righteous and powerful with your anger and your truth.
It's the fear I can't live with. I remember what comes next. A creeping sense of dread. I don't want the fear to become that creeping dread.
I'm scared to go any further with it. Maybe it would level out or swing back, but it just feels too much like before.
The sucky thing is I wasn't really doing too well on the meds anymore either. I think I need to go back to the pdoc. But I know what he'll give me. Some new horror that makes my brain feel a bit better and makes my sleep, appetite, sex drive, etc, all crazy and awful. Insomnia or somnolence. Pigging out or food has no flavor at all. Oddly I've never had a med enhance my sex drive, so on that front, I expect only another round of chemical castration.
There's no real help for this kind of crap. Just a mitigating factor that brings its own whole host of new problems that are only slightly less odious than the original problem.
poster:Tabitha
thread:923266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090930/msgs/923266.html