Posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 2:14:37
In reply to Re: Life falling apart, posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:51:23
> I'm having thoughts that I should have married my X - the guy who was abusive.
Thats like me saying I'm gonna go back with my X because I liked it when he beat me. Garnet, if nothing else I would think intellectually you would know better.
I went thru the same thing,(I wasnt addicted to mine) should I have stayed until I saved money, should I have stayed until this,that, and the other thing. You got out in the nic of time. I think everyone in a divorce situation goes through that. But this is different. ITS OVER. HES AN ADDICTION. Please look at this way, Okay? Move on.
I've worked so hard in my life and cannot bear to let it fall apart like this. If I had married him, at least I wouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless and could have finished my education without the stress of working, enduring a 3-4 hour commute to school everyday, and doing it alone. Maybe my sanity would be saved-I think I could have coped with him by redirecting my focus and detaching my emotions from him.Garnet, for a woman of your intelligence, that last sentence is,lets just say, unenlightened.
Please, you know thats a load. Let me tell you about a conversation I had with my Dad just prior to my divorce. "Dad? I just wanted to let you know I'm divorcing JoeBob. He wasn't too surprized, JoeBob kept drinking and carrying on after we had twins. He brought them home drunk once, and he was cheating, which was fine because the thought of s*x with him made me want to vomit. And I'm gonna do it a year from today.(my twins were around 3yrs old).My Dad said why a year? I told him I had no money, no security, etc,etc,etc. He told me to go home THAT DAY and tell him. I did. Did it hurt me financially and every other way? yes. But....I had my dignity. And I survived. It became a challenge to rebuild my life with out a man. And I did it and it felt damn good. My dad was right.
I am ashamed to admit this, but at the same time, it's on my mind and has to be said. Is it better to think something and not say it? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
Its always better to let it out if you feel safe doing it. If you may get replies that will harm you, save those topics for a therapist. Better yet, join a group that addresses what you went thru with this nutcase. Its easier when others have been there. I think those are free so no excuse!!!!
>> He is not in my life anymore. In fact, he moved a few states over for his job. I couldn't change my mind now if I wanted--I have gained some weight and wouldn't be his arm candy/trophy woman anymore. I also am no longer as desirable since I just dropped out from ivy league school.
Garnet, he's a twisted narcisist who cares only about himself. What concerns me is that you are buying into this crap! That last paragraph, why do you beat yourself up like that? Do you want to be arm candy? Or do you want to be loved unconditionally for WHO YOU ARE??? You are no longer desirable to who? HIM? He's literally nobody. I'll never go to an ivy league school. Its possible I could gain 15lbs. I've been in a deep depression for 2 years. Do you think less of me? Please don't become like the very thing you escaped from. You are a real person with real feelings and sooo much to offer. Not ARM CANDY!!!! You deserve so much better. Remember that. In the mean time hang out with the girls, YOUR SON who is not going to be around forever!!! Gosh, use this time to re-connect with your son!!! Forget about men for a while. I think its interfering with your recovery IMHO.Your friend,
~Jade ;-)
Nice person, huh? I could have used him and left him later---after all, he used me and sucked all the life out of me. I guess thinking that makes me not such a nice person either. Maybe not. I've been used and abused my whole life.
Hey, if you coulda gotten out of that with everything and the shirt off his back, I'd have ZERO problem with that. But you are not married, and any contact at this point is just you trying to reconnect. Leave it alone. Like its Cra*k.
>
> Maybe I should just give up fighting and play my role as the abused girlfriend or wife, and just accept it after 38 years. Feeling pretty low now. I just don't think I can fight anymore. Fighting the never ending obstacles and adversity. I'm exhausted.Sorry, I missed this part. You will not give up the fight,and you will not play a role. WAKE UP!!! You are a strong woman, who needs a break. So take it. Stop this "I should just be the subserviant masochist". You are an extremely intelligent woman, probably very attractive, young, and you hit a road block, or maybe you slammed into it. I don't know, but if I made it through the sh*t I did and survived, you can survive this. Yes its a setback. Welcome to middle age. Its a challenge for you to renew, pick yourself up WHEN YOU ARE READY, and start a new life that excites you. There is not one path that has to be taken. I'm sure you've read the "Road Less Traveled" maybe time to get it out again. I haven't looked at my copy for a while.
In my family the women have a slight mean streak, we also love so unconditionaly that our loved ones become part of us. This is the best part of life and the most painful. Get out your mean streak and direct it where it belongs please. Not at you or your son (this is going to hurt him if you keep obsessing about a man that hurts you) If you can't do it for youself do it for him. Be furious at the piece of sh*t that deserves it. Stop internalizing it. I want to go hurt this guy myself now. Run, dont walk to a meeting, go to the meetings, and live your life!
I'm sorry for the ramble Garnet, but this guy is really starting to get on my nerves. And you are letting him keep you down by giving away one more second of your time. Get help please. No guy (sorry all men on board) is worth all this. You need to address this obsession before you can move on in MHO.
I just want you to be rid of this leach and get your life back, because I care, okay?!
poster:JadeKelly
thread:878398
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090116/msgs/879047.html