Posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
In reply to Gabbi, Gabbi!! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!!, posted by All Done on August 4, 2008, at 12:23:07
Thank you.
IT's been an um
gosh it's been an awful two weeks.
I screamed out loud in a drugstore.
If you knew Gabbi in person you would know that Gabbi doesn't scream in public places. I am so quiet at times that that's usually what annoys people, and
I was really good at kick boxing but before you kick, during practice, at times you are supposed to channel your "chi" by yelling
(Qu I) I forget how i't spelled.But I literally couldn't yell. Not even in private.
So that being said.
It was because I'm under a lot of really unsettling and scary changes right now.My partner dying (technically) and yes surviving but we were told to pull the plug
Which was not Done, and he's alive (HOORAY )
And he developed such a new enthusiasm for living, that I decided it would be okay to move in with him (His son died last year) and though Ioved him, sometime the grief and depression was overwhelming and I needed to know I had my own space.The day I decided to move in with him, he had a tiny stroke, not enough to do any real damage.
Just enough to alter certain parts of his personality. And sadly they were what I loved most about him.
So now I'm living with a man who is undertandably not who he was. It's an eerie feeling to say the least.
Moving in with him required changing GP's
I HATE THE BASTARDS
I should say "the P*M P*Ms" at least that will be asterisked.
However this was a G.P I'd had before and liked
he deliverd the son I gave up for adoption.
He knew that I had not conceived the child with
anyone I knew and not voluntarily
(got the picture?)So
I gave him my med list and he just decides
I don't need ativan anymore.. just like that
Pardon the common sense but maybe right now isn't the best time to force me off lorazepam cold turkey.. you know? Just a freaking hunch.
That 2mgs a day ruining my life?No, maybe it's living with someone I loved for their intelligence, (He was my Enlish Lit professor) and having him turn into someone who watches T.V all day every day. Being responsible for absolutely everything that goes on.
Not having any support. Being scared to death that he's going to have anotherI white knuckled it for two days, then started having panic attacks (I'm usually a generalized anxiety person) Then I started hallucinating PTSD flashbacks, tastes and smells.
All the while knowing that Don is very fragile right now, and it would probably be best if he didn't see the person he depends on hallucinating and crawling along the floor in terror.Called my Dr. "I'm hallucinating never happened before, I'm terrified, (these were gutteral moans) "I'm busy, it's the weekend"
Dr. L, this is really really bad. Please don't Please don't"Click.
I've never called on the weekend before, I didn't know it went directly to him, the after hours recording to his office just gives an emergency number
I've never hallucinated before
PARDON ME FOR THINKING THAT WAS AN EMERGENCYWent to Emergency, and asked for ONE SINGlE Zyprexa
"nope"
"Beta Blocker"
Nope.
Maybe I should have asked for ativan?Tried to stay sane, couldn't.
Went for a walk to the drugstore to see if I could get niacinimide.
Like that would actaully help, but you know..
I got in there suddenly felt physically attackedI screamed loudly "SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Then the security guard came over and tried to
grab me and I said (this is actualy funny)
I don't hurt people, I don't I just screamed but I've never even hit my cat, I'm a vegetarian"Than an angel appeared in human flesh, and I will never forget her.
Ever. She said to the security guard
"Hey, it's okay let go of her" She was probably only about 25 and she took me out to the parking lot at 2 in the morning.
And I'll stop about the angel here because I've gone on so long.But that kind of rejection when you're in agony
from someone who knows because he delivered my child, and knows I have PTSD
The stupidty of just making me *stop* ativan
It boggles the mind
What exacly is the objective?
Then he told me there would be no withdrawal
\
I already knew that was a lie and a half, but
come on, if there wasn't withdrawal why did he not want to prescribe it? Hello? Do they think we're that stupid?
So yeah it was gruesome.
Then I discovered Dr's have no problem prescribing "lunesta" Zopiclone.
It does the same thing for me Ativan does but apparently isn't on the current "you're a filthy lowlife if you take \benzos even if you'd never heard of them before you had them prescribed to you and at that time you used to get crap from you Doctor if you DIDN"T TAKE YOUR MEDS AS PRESCRIBED"
Apparently Zopiclone binds to basically the same receptors as benzodiazepines.
Is this making sense?
Probably not
Am I angry at how stupid and just how I really didn't need extra stress right now.
Yes.
and it hurt.
And I'm moderately better now, but that kind of idiocy and the pain it caused just burns me up.And the side effect of lorazepam they don't mention
Thinking every spot of white paint on the floor might be one.There. it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
But you guys, that really meant a lot seeing this.
Thank you.
It reminded me of what we all deal with.
It reminded me that not everyone will have an angel come up to them who understands to a "T" that they are having a PTSD panic attack/flashback and know what to say.And it makes me so Freaking angry.
I wonder if anyone read all the way down to the thank you..
poster:Gabbette
thread:844106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080721/msgs/844182.html