Posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
In reply to I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
Did something happen to trigger this? Or is it out of the blue? I agree with ClearSkies -- this sounds like a time for calling your own doctor or going to the emergency room. (Often the crisis beds are filled through the emergency room, rather than through the crisis lines. Sad system, but I don't know that there's any easy fix for it.)
I suspect that more than three people love you, that sounds like me when I'm depressed -- the depression talking, telling me things that just feed the depression.
I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I sometimes picture my depression as being like a parasitic entity -- it has to feed itself, to stay alive, and it fights hard to stay alive. When I start that negative self-talk that leaves me feeling pathetic and contemptible, I remind myself that it's just the Black Beast trying to protect itself. Sometimes, that helps me counter the habitual negative thoughts, which eventually leaves me feeling a bit better.
Could you think of some things you could do that might help you right now? When I get to feeling as though I'm unloved, unlovable, and generally tired of this life, I do try to find some things to do to take care of myself, and they often are helpful. Even if I don't actually feel better, often I have been distracted for a long enough while to get a break from the distress. Here are some of the things I do, that I have found helpful. They might offer you some ideas that might help you.
1. I read. Often I can escape into a fantasy novel, or a children's book, or just any sort of potato chip book. (Potato Chip Book -- no nutritional value, but you can't eat just one.) In fact, if I'm reading in a certain kind of way -- escapist reading, I call it -- it's often a clue to me that I'm experiencing increased depression...
2. I sit in front of the TV and knit. The less brain work it involves, the better. Reruns of Law & Order? You betcha! Hours at a time...
3. Sometimes I just lie down on the sofa, pull a quilt over my head, and doze. Or turn on the TV and watch by sticking my face out from under the quilt. My cocoon -- I sometimes say I'm pupating in there...
4. Since I often experience this sort of thing because I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do, I make lists of things to do, and just try to do them. I usually limit it to three things per day, but I get a certain satisfaction from getting them done.
5. I dive into the internet -- search YouTube for Alison Moyet videos; read about something on Wikipedia, which often leads to six other articles, and I look up to find hours have passed. Read through the archives at The Straight Dope. Organize and update my wish lists at Amazon. Look at all the ads for spinning wheels on Ebay. Check out used car listings, or used bookstores, or other shopping sites. (Zappos.com is a major time-sink for me...) Again -- it doesn't actually help, but it sure works to distract me...
And I post here, but that goes without saying. And that's something you've already done.
NB: I don't mean to sound cold, if I do. I don't think I have much talent for conveying any sort of warmth in my writing, but it doesn't mean I don't care how bad others are feeling. I am truly trying to help.
poster:Racer
thread:813926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080215/msgs/813935.html