Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 19:30:21
In reply to There is an interesting thread on Relationships bd, posted by ClearSkies on December 15, 2006, at 0:37:18
Hi Everyone,
These are the first postings in the thread Clearskies is talking about:I haven't had a relationship since the last one ended in total emotional disaster in 1983. At first I found it impossible to go near anyone no matter how hard I tried, then in later years I just stopped trying. Now I'm in my late 50's and will probably stay this way the rest of my life (if the last 23 yrs are any indication) and from what I see going on around me, I'm actually not too bad off. Occasionally loneliness can be pretty intense, but nothing like the trauma of lost relationships or the constant stress of being in one.
Still, it would be interesting to compare notes with others who live the way I do - to discuss how we manage, thoughts on how we became this way and why we'd rather not change, how we think we compare to people in relationships these days, etc.
Another reason I wanted to start this thread is that despite a lot of searching in forums like this one, I've never seen a thread dealing with the lives of people who have decided, for one reason or another, to go it alone. In fact this board was the closest I could come to the appropriate category, even though this is a sort of "non-relationship" topic.
And trust me, I understand the pain of a recently ended relationship, and the determination of someone in that situation to keep trying to salvage the old one or start a new one. Been there many times, done that many times. And I know what it's like to not be able to imagine a life without a relationship. I've been there, too.
The folks I'd like to hear from in this thread are the ones on the other side, who have been through all that and for personal reasons are staying alone. Because I've never seen a thread like that, I'm really curious about what other people in my situation have to say.
And of course, best wishes to those in relationships and who want that as their lifestyle. I respect everyone's choice either way, and it's certainly not my place to suggest anything negative about relationships in general and the people in them. They're just negative for me, and I don't want that kind of life for myself.
Sorry to be so long-winded. Economy of words is not my string suit. To Dr. Bob, I hope this doesn't compromise the forum category....
Take care everyone,
Reggie BoStar2nd posting:
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your kind messages of support.Actually, though, I think I probably didn't express myself very well in that first posting. My intent was to get responses from other people like myself who have decided to be alone for one reason or another - and who have adapted to being that way after many years.
Certainly there was the kind of pain described in the other postings during the first few years of solitude. In fact, it was not unlike what LJRen is going through right now.
But over the years that pain gradually fades, while the interest in being in relationships also fades. Eventually I passed a "break even" point, where I began to feel as though I was better off than many people in relationships.
It's not easy sometimes, certainly. But that's just life. From my vantage point I see people in relationships as having as many problems as individuals as I do, plus all the added emotional baggage of being in a relationship. Everyone I know in relationships seems to have incredible issues that I have no interest in having; and to me, all of the benefits of being in a relationship are not nearly enough to compensate for the inherent problems.
So, I wanted to hear from people like me: well past all the pains of seperation, and finally at a point in their lives where they genuinely feel more comfortable than they ever could in a relationship. I wanted to swap stories of how we cultivate friendships, get along with people in our families, and deal with the stigma of not being in a relationship.
In my case, for example, a lot of people assume that because I have no relationships, I must be gay. This of course is flat-out wrong. Other people automatically assume that they know what is good for me, and try to impose a more social life on me than I want.
THESE are the issues I wanted to discuss, but didn't phrase very well in my first message. How do other people like me manage what associations they do have, and how do they handle intrusive and/or uninformed people?
LJRen, this is definitely NOT advice to hang it all up and be alone. In fact I would never advise anyone to do anything with relationships one way or the other. Each to his/her own is my attitude. And I certainly don't mean to imply that all relationships are bad for all people. That's not my place. It's just that for some people, me included, they ARE bad and just not the way to go.
So, thanks again for all your kind posts and sorry if I led you astray with that first posting.
Take care,
Reggie BoStar
poster:Reggie BoStar
thread:713836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061208/msgs/714056.html