Posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 14:03:00
In reply to Re: SOMEBODY HELP ME **trigger**, posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 10:54:58
<Are you seeing a doctor or a T? You should tell them if you're feeling overwhelmed by thought of hurting yourself. You should tell them if you don't feel safe. If you're in crisis, please go to the emergency room so that they can keep you safe.>
To 1st? .. I'll call him. To 2nd? I'll only say I'm feeling overwhelmed. To 3rd, no. To 4th, oh no!
I know this may sound way out there ridiculous to many, ... but since my Dad passed away, over 2yrs now, I can't go w/o a cigarette for any longer than 30min or so. If I do, I breakdown big time. Really ... I do. I went to ER last w/ breakthrough back pain and they wouldn't let me go outside after I checked in. It was 6hrs later that I was seen. I was seen, but I couldn't see, I couldn't even speak, or remember why I was there. I was just sobbing uncontrollably. I just wanted a cigarette. That was all I could think of or speak.
Something has happened involving my ex-abusive-husband. My daughter chose him instead of me and he is gloating. He is a meth user. I called him to 'check out' his voice and see if he sounded well enough to be w/ her and two babies. I said 'how are u doing?' and he responded with this 'I'm great' thing he always did and said 'How RU?'. I said, "Well I'm sick because you broke my back." (He doesn't care enuf to know that the narcotics I must take cause me so many other health probs'.) He said, "Well at least I didn't kill you. I should have killed you!"
I can't stop crying. A person really wishes I was dead. I feel like I must be so worthless. And I wanted to help my daughter and help take care of the babies, but remember I had that nervous breakdown last March?
Well .. I got up @ 3a to feed the 2-mo-old and my daughter got up @ 5a to go p/u their father and take him to his work where he lost his job. She called and said she wouldn't be back until 9a. I said okay. But then I started to feel 'off' about an hour later. I had an infant and an almost 2-yr-old. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed, tearful, out of control, and my whole body was beginning to shake. I called her right away (prob' 6:30a), but she wouldn't p/u her cell when I called. She ignored me for 3hrs. I sat on the floor crying and holding the infant w/ the toddler confused about 'WHO WAS IN CONTROL HERE'. I called someone else to call her and she picked up and called me. By the time she got here (9a), I had put the infant in a soft crib in extra bedr and locked the door so that the toddler couldn't go in. I put everything up so the toddler couldn't find anything to hurt herself. I have a small place so I could hear and pretty much 'see all' as I went to lie in bed w/ cartoons on TV.
I hadn't been able to change her diaper because I was shaking so badly, legs weak, thoughts scattered.
I COULDN'T DO IT! I COULDN'T HANDLE IT!
Those very same feelings of the nervous breakdown were coming to the surface again and scaring the sh*t out of me. I'm still scared today. My treatment for the NB was Valium. I had some here and have been taking it since.
Ya' see, my ex had kicked them out Mon. and she had come to me. But, I FAILED HER, and she went back to him yesterday, Sun, and he's 'gloating' as he revels in my pain. He lives 2 hurt me. That's when he said that awful 'kill u' thing.
I've been trying to detox down a bit on my Percocet, ya' know trying to be better, get better, but I'm alone and 'no one really cares about it'. This should prob' be factored in here.
Thing is, this whole 'narcotic issue' would never exist if he hadn't hurt me. Then, I would have been able to be a the kind of grandmother I dreamed of being. I am so young at heart, but my body has taken so many jabs!
There are some who say 'it's my fault because I stayed w/ him' and 'it's my fault that they (my children) love him, because I stayed w/ him', and I guess it's all my freakin' fault!!!!!!!! In 10yrs of abuse he spent 1night in jail. He lives pain free, uses illegal drugs, and has a job w/ a city/City. What the hell is wrong w/ this damn picture?
I can't stop crying. I better take 1/2mg Val.
Sorry 'bout the way I posted and then went away ... you guys are so cool ... I'm sorta' 'out of it'. The shaking and weakness in my legs has gotten better since I began the Valium.
I will call the doctor. I'll do that shortly.
Does anyone else have a nicotine habit like mine? I feel like I'm dirty/stinky ... everyone is so down on smoking. But after Dad (my soul mate I believe) died, then the nervous breakdown, I smoke at least a pack a day. I can't stop. I need it. Docs don't understand. Maybe I'll try to make my doc understand how very scared it makes me to be w/o a cigarette for more than an hour. I know ya' think I'm weak or goofy or it's so trivial, but to me it's huge.
love, cf
pss
Tks for adding the trigger Llrrrpp.
Were things good Friday Phillipa?
poster:corafree
thread:687037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060911/msgs/687112.html