Posted by cloudydaze on July 10, 2006, at 13:16:19
In reply to Re: Tired of faking it, posted by rubenstein on July 8, 2006, at 13:56:00
I feel like a performer everyday. Sometimes I think I should win an award for best actress!
The hardest is college. It's hard to pretend to be normal there, when I feel like I don't belong anywhere, but especially not THERE. It's hard not to cry during critiques. It's hard to not take it personally when other students, and teachers point out flaws in my work. Even when I know that the purpose of critique is to critisize everyones work, sometimes I feel like it's all targeted at me.
College is torture. It means being put on display for others to rip you apart freely...and you're supposed to just sit back and take it. Sometimes I wonder if they see the pain in my eyes, even though I try so hard to conceal it. They see me smiling and nodding in class, but inside I'm destroyed. No one knows that I end up hating myself at the end of the day, because my work wasn't flawless. Because they found something, no matter how small, to fixate on.
Yes, it is tiring to wear a mask of deception. Sometimes i feel like the world's biggest liar.
> Me too!
> I am tired of acting as if nothing bothers me.
> That I am magically better.
> I am tired of being the one that makes people smile
> That brightens people's day
> and then the one that crashes at home alone
> But I am not really sure how not to fake it
> Part of me will alwys be a performer.
> Rachel
poster:cloudydaze
thread:665124
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060709/msgs/665739.html