Posted by llrrrpp on June 20, 2006, at 10:19:25
In reply to Re: She babblemailed me last night - doing okay., posted by Michael83 on June 19, 2006, at 23:14:27
I'm back on babble.
I feel a little better today. I doubled my seroquel last night and got much more sleep than I've been getting. I'm still pretty moody, but I feel more in control. It's no fun though, having to clean up the damage left by severe mood weather.There are things I do and say when I'm a scared llrrrpp, feeling backed into a corner-- I lose my cool and lash out with my verbal talons. IRL, I am not a very "passionate" or "feeling" person. people think i'm perptually cheerful (isn't that hilarious?!?). I save it up, and spew it in m writing. My journal is the work of a very tormented person. The sickest thing is that I do things to myself that are so awful. I tell myself the worst things, the most hurtful things, and then I injure myself and damage my body and my health. I never apologize to me. I never feel ashamed of what I do to me. I look down at my healing arm, and I regard the crusty scabbies with a very neutral glance. Kinda of like a fact- my eyes are grey, my arm has self-inflicted wounds. Nothing special about that.
In contrast, when I hurt others: well, in retrospect, I feel awful, just awful. So much shame and guilt. I should apologize to myself more often (sorry llrrrpp. I'll try to protect you better next time)
Actually, I did pretty well over the weekend. I didn't self-injure. I didn't get trashed-drunk. But there's definitely room for improvement. I should stop taking out my rage on others. I should be more selective about how I disperse my feelings.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:658531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060618/msgs/659146.html