Posted by inja on May 8, 2006, at 11:30:20
In reply to Re: from 1 chronic pain person to another-long message » inja, posted by corafree on April 24, 2006, at 12:32:23
hi cora,
i sent you a babble responding to your babble. hope you get it.i'm happy to share more if you like, although i have no idea what sort of reaction you or others may have.
what i can say mostly, and with assurance, is that what i wrote was essentially a composite of 7+ yrs of therapy. if my T told me to go to church to learn about forgiveness, i'm sorry dear friend.... i would have told my T to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. i have learned how to "stand up" for myself with my T and other doctors, by simply reminding myself that I am the patient, or the "consumer" of medical treatments.
i don't have it "in me" to forgive my abusers, date rape, husbands, lovers, parents, etc. i never could understand why I was the ONE who HAD to do the forgiving. B.S. I am the ONE who has to work hard to make reparations and earn trust of the little girl inside me as she never had a voice. NEVER. but as an adult, i DO. and boy howdy, am i using it!!
pls don't get the wrong impression, though. i am not "strong" like that every day. it would be impossible for me. too much energy expended that i need to reserve just for me and my CP, on a day to day basis. but when i have good days (emotionally speaking), and i am getting more as i get older, i can fight like the dickens for my rights, without hurting self or others.
i am not a therapist, but you asked if i thought you were on the right track.... seems like it to me. just acknowledging it, feeling it in your heart, "feeling it out" in your mind, is a definite sign to me (just a another CP gal, no medical background except being a patient and a "patsy") that you are indeed on the right track.
for me, half the battle is admitting to myself, taking the blinders off or rose colored glasses as well, that if i am to heal; really REALLY heal on the inside, then i need to "protect the me that used to be". (OH WAIT!! i know now what you asked me in your babble if "i wrote it", and i believe you are referring to "Bent but not Broken", right? well, yeah, that was me all right...)
and the "me that used to be" is still something that i uncover bit by bit, everyday. be it the wee one in me, or the adult, etc.
(i too have severe PTSD and am borderline with a few other little tasty treats thrown in for good measure)
"When I feel the pain it brings angry thoughts of the people that hurt me to mind, ... but not me ... (!!!???)" - when i get to thinking about all that has been done, to and against me, i too used to get so damned angry with those who hurt me. however, i learned that in the long run, i am the only one it hurts when i feel this way, and "stay there" too long in my mind. they walked away. i got stuck with this sh*t. not them so...i do try not to give it (memories, thoughts, etc) too much energy. i figure that if i get SO angry, then i am denying myself the energy i NEED for myself, and for some days its' just to get thru the day, savvy? and not do something stupid.
cf, i don't know if your anger is more at yourself than "them". it was true for me however. i couldn't believe, that as an adult, i just kept "handing myself over" to people that were untrustworthy, abusive (in many different forms), etc. to me. hence therapy. as well, when i started this process it was truly painful. very much so. but i am glad that i have a T that is quite understanding. i even yell at him if i don't feel like he's "hearing me". LOL... one time i yelled so loud in his office, and got up, went out the door and slammed it so HARD!! but being the good T that he is, he always made it "safe" for me to come back and talk about "it". and to date, he has sincerely apologized.
cf, i don't know if i answered your question or not, but i would be honored if if we continued to e each other, and become web friends. someone who is safe and won't "take you for a ride". after reading and respinding to your babble, i feel like we have so much in common! and it's great to not feel so damned alone in all of this.
i feel very VERY welcome here, and have not had (to the date of this message) an unpleasant experience where someone told me to shove it where the sun don't shine, that i didn't matter, etc.
fact is, i feel very much like i MATTER here at Psych.
talk about babble! seems that's what i'm doing right now! LOL.... anyway, i gotta roll while i'm feeling ok. gotta get some groceries in the house. my husband has been so wonderful picking up all the slack, including putting in a vegetable garden on top of all my "duties" (i hate that word) at home because i am physically unable to. i lucked out on this one... *smile*
{{{gentle hugz}}}
"inja"Inja:
>
> Wow. You've got my attn.
>
> So, it's not so much about forgiving the abusers ... you're saying I need to protect 'the me' that used to be ... I've allowed evil in ... 'the little girl' .. sweet, honest, trusting ... she's the one I need to make amends with? ... this sounds like 'really good therapy' ... all my T said was to go to church! ...
>
> I've not finished a sentence above because I'm trying to let what you've said sink in good and don't want a 'period' to give the impression a thought is understood.
>
> Am I on the right track?
>
> I do have some PTSD w/ some 'borderline' thinking/behavior, that's for sure.
>
> When I feel the pain it brings angry thoughts of the people that hurt me to mind, ... but not me ... (!!!???)
>
> I understand the 'inner child' idea somewhat.
>
> Is my anger more at me, .. than them? Is that what you're saying?
>
> plssharemore(((Inja))), cf
>
>
poster:inja
thread:635894
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060503/msgs/641338.html