Posted by James K on May 2, 2006, at 1:32:19
I've been away until recently in a couple of facilities. I want to thank a couple of people who asked about me and supported me while I've been away. Uhh, you know who you are (I don't want to forget or miss someone).
I'd said I would have updates posted while I was away, but I changed my mind when I realized I had become subject of controversy in my abscence. No problem, I understand. It looks like it ended up more theoretical than personal by the end. I wasn't sure if I would ever come back here, because this site is associated with 3 or 4 of the more insane months in my life, but I decided people here gave me a lot of support, so this is a good part of that time as well.Lets see, Going cold turkey off of alcohol, klonopin, and ambien while restarting welbutrin and lamictal made for an interesting first 2 weeks of the experience. I'm tough though. I met some good people, am thinking more clearly (not enough), had my cognitive functionality confirmed, and got some insight into some thought patterns.
Unfortunately, some insurance hack of a doctor in some other state decided I was not a danger to myself or others and thus had to go back to the situation that led me to the hospital. This was a couple of days after I smashed a chair, broke some wrought iron off of the bars, and played around with the concept of breaking my arm. That's okay, I know his name.
I learned that I tend to put myself into no win situations - such as - someone offends me, I feel I must retaliate, I know retaliation will cause consequences, I know if I don't retaliate I will hate myself and obsess to the point of danger - so what do I do? retaliate and ruin my life, or hate myself for weakness. I guess the answer is just don't. They made me leave before we got to the solutions part. Actually that dilemma is a metaphor for how I live my life, from ordering at a restuarant to dealing with my parents. I learned other good stuff about myself as well. no sarcasm intended.
I now have to decide to continue on my own, and do the right things and not fall back into hate and cynicism, depression and alcoholism, take my meds, find a psychiatrist and therapist and a job. I don't know if it is all a decision or what, in fact I'm a little sad and confused about what is next. I have some medical tests and appointments to keep me busy for the next several days, then what?
Anyway, it is great to be home and sleep in my own bed and see my wife and cats. It's good to check in on everybody here as well. I'm going to post less often than before, but still check in.
love to all,
James K
poster:James K
thread:639093
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060422/msgs/639093.html