Posted by corafree on March 31, 2006, at 0:56:58
Just returned from PCPs office. He prescribes my pain meds. I have back injuries sustained by the actions of a physically abusive ex-husband. I said 'you know I'm not a surgical candidate', and he agreed, saying 'no, you didn't just break your arm or something'.
I've told him I'm looking for a pain management doc that will do medication management (a really hard doc to find!!!). I said this because I know he is tired of giving me oxycodone and always talks about building up a tolerance .. blah blah blah. He goes on and on about how I should be doing this and that, volunteering, exercising, building some new 'reason' for my life.
Well now here I am (I have my scrip .. oxycodone 650/10 x3 a day.) sitting here thinking. I've lost my ability to 'run', to 'lift things', to turn my head around properly for oncoming cars, and more physical activity .. could go on and on. I've lost my self esteem and I've lost my trust, .. and wonder, why can't he see that?
He did bring up a new drug ... AVINZA .. apparently w/ morphine??? I've been on morphine sulfate and really turned into a looneytune! I asked him to try and get me a preauth for an 'out of network' pain doc that I've been told will do med management, and told him if that didn't work, maybe I would consider this AVINZA?! If anyone knows about it .. appreciate pls share.
Ya' know .. I must appear to have so much more capability to others, than I really do have.
It must be. I feel totally misunderstood and sad and a little angry.
Losing, losing, losing - relationships, loved ones, my physical strength, a job, a dog, my ability to love and trust again. Since Dad's passing, I've realized it's really 'all about grief'
If I had filed charges 13yrs ago and gone to the hospital, and had records, would I be a surgical candidate then? There is a cyst in my spine .. doesn't that bear looking into??
I'm tired of being scolded because I can't tolerate physical pain. I've had breakthrough pain for the first time in months, this last month or so, and all I can do is just lie in bed and cry .. it hurts so bad. And, the man that did this to me .. he isn't hurting! He took more than just my physical health away. I let him have my love and trust, and he threw them away .. 'they weren't valuable'. How long does something like this stay w/ a person? How/why was I so easily reactive to the suggestion that I was invaluable? This is what I need a therapist to get 'at' .. and help me get 'it'!
I just met my new T; specializes in grief. I have hope.
But, this physical loss, it's hard to fight for .. pain or drug? Which would you chose?
I didn't feel this belonged on social. No, these many things we lose ... I 'grieve' over them. This is grief.
I pray for relief and healing. (Waiting.)
I don't know why everyone thinks I've just stumbled on the grass and skinned my knees?
Why isn't extruded discs all up and down my spine important?
How do you 'feel happy' when you hurt so bad?
Then, I also learned today that I cannot schedule appts w/ him any other time than 4p .. (Apparently my appts take so long! I'm going to start watching my 'watch' and timing them. The charges differ upon the minutes spent w/ the doc.) which puts me smackdab in the middle of freakin' 'metro rush hour traffic' ... someone in pain and on a narcotic??!! Now that makes a lot of sense?!
I can't say the above to him. I know what can happen when too much tension becomes an issue w/ your doctor. I'm so weary and lonely for a 'quality' someone. I have things to give, but I've got to meet someone worth the effort. Too much has been stolen in the past.
I'll email my friend from babble here too.
lovecf
poster:corafree
thread:626974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060324/msgs/626974.html