Posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 10:36:01
You know, I never really know where to post what I have to say. It never seems to fit anywhere. I post aimless ramblings on the Writing board every so often, mostly because I expect no replies. What I write is so unlike what others post. Most people write poetry, not... well... whatever it is that I write.
The subject of my post? I'm never completely sure where I'm going until I get there. Most posts never get finished, and are consigned to the bit-bucket. One last try to get this one out.
My life, to say the least, is out of control.
No. That’s not fair. -I- am out of control. Most of what I do is a series of near-random acts that I expect to come together to form my life. I do things that a kind person doesn't do. I say things I shouldn't. I'm not comfortable in my own skin or with who I am. Every day I try to be a better 'me', but I always seem to loose sight of it when it matters most.
Today, for example, there is an on-going argument about the temperature in my section of the building. My immediate superior is too hot, so he complains to the front office and they turn on the air conditioning. The fact that its winter and I live in Wisconsin seems to have no bearing on the situation whatsoever. Now I sit in my cube shivering while cold air pours down on me from above. I go to the front office and ask to discuss the temperature in my cube. Compromise. Something that will work for everyone. OK. So far everything is good. Until someone pushes me.
Me : "Its freezing in my cube. All of the engineers are wearing coats because it's so cold. We need to do something about it."
Office Manager (obviously enraged) : "We turned it down because 'Boss Guy' says it's always too hot."
At this point 'Office Manager' stalks off towards the temperature controls in my section, shaking with rage.
Office Manager (adjusting thermostat) : "This HAS to stop. I'm really sick of it!"
Me : "I'll just talk to maintenance and see if something is wrong with the system."
Office Manager : "Maintenance works for ME. I will talk to them."
Me : "It's really not THIS big of a deal."
Office Manager : "YES IT IS. 'Boss Guy' says it's too hot, so we have been keeping the temperature down."
Anyone still reading? OK, so up to this point I was doing pretty well. This is where my hind brain claws it's way to the front of my consciousness and makes me say stupid things...
Me : "Well as soon as 'Boss Guy' does some REAL work, maybe I will give a sh*t what he wants."
Ouch. Now why did I have to say that? Do I mean it? Yes. Should I have said it? No. I don't want to be THAT GUY. The overly agressive guy that puts himself above others. The fact that I do it because I'm insecure makes it even more screwed up. I do that a dozen times a day, faking bluster and taking jabs at others that I perceive as being less competent that myself. What kind of person does that make me? Small wonder I don’t have any friends.
It wasn’t always like this. Like I said, 'When did this guy show up?'. Wouldn't it be nice to be gregarious, charming and fun to be with? Someone you could depend on? Instead the world gets THIS. Someone who brags, puts others down and makes bad decisions.
This sucks.
poster:Shame
thread:605853
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060203/msgs/605853.html