Posted by alexandra_k on January 19, 2006, at 20:14:38
In reply to Re: internet weirdness » alexandra_k, posted by James K on January 19, 2006, at 19:54:54
> Yeah, I think I know where you are coming from. There have been times in my life where I sought out the most extreme and ugly things. Italian slasher movies, underground literature, japanese horror, hate-based punk rock.
Yeah. I still do this in a lot of ways. Recognition of that fact is something that comes and goes however. Music. I like rap. But yeah, if you listen to the lyrics it is about raping bitches and so on and so forth. So what am I doing listening to that? Feeding myself those messages? I don't really know...
> I think I was trying to desensitize myself to anything affecting me.Hmm. I wonder if that might be true for me as well...
> It started to come out in my personality. People can get confused when they know me as a sensitive, caring, intelligent person, and then I express a desire or statement that is just shocking in its disregard for humanity or decency.
Hmm. I dare say a psychoanalyst would say that everybodies unconscious contains desires that are repressed because they are unacceptable to society / oneself... But... Sometimes I think it is about internalising these environmental messages... I don't know. (Does that mean I'm free)
;-)
> I'll take your comments as a warning. I may still look from afar, but hate and disregard can breed more hate and disregard.
I think so...
And the desensitisation...
Well...Pain.
I do think... People in pain tend to lash out.
Doesn't excuse it.
But it goes some way towards explaining it.
Making it comprehensible.It is just that...
You can't help people when they are trying to hurt you.
You have to withdraw from them in self-defence.
And recently...
I've become a little wary of people lashing out.
Because it does hurt.
And I start thinking about humanity... And I start wanting to curl up on myself and disappear.And it isn't good for me.
It is not.And desensitisation...
I could rage against them I suppose.
But all that would do is perpeptuate the cycle.A while back I used to think rather vivid thoughts about going down to community mental health with a gun or some explosives or something like that... I enjoyed the fantasy immensely. Wracking vengence on these people who hurt me.
But then I got a little concerned that indulging the fantasy would make it more likely to become an urge. Would make it more likely that I would do something stupid.
The feeling passed. But I had to help it along rather. By recasting my description of my treatment (or non-treatment) within the service. To really try and understand things from their pov. Along the way... It hurt a little less.
Not sure what I'm on about now... Gone from you to me I think.
I guess I feel sad when people lash out.
How mostly what people want is to feel connected and accepted.
How they hurt and lash out.
And what that does... Is it alienates the people who they could connect with.It is like people standing in a line. A rock falls on the first persons head (act of god) and the first person lashes out at the next (people tend to do that when they are in pain). THen the next person lashes out at the next person. And so on along the line.
The cycles has to stop somewhere.
Why can't people just be nice?
I do despair at times.
But thats when I know I need to spend more time with the people who are consistent in their kindness. I need to go enjoy the sun or a book or a walk or something like that. Enjoy a strangers smile. And try to muster some hope for humanity.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:600796
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060115/msgs/600851.html