Posted by 10derHeart on November 16, 2005, at 0:27:48
In reply to Re: A short conversation from today » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on November 15, 2005, at 22:44:35
Let's see now, if memory serves....it seems I recall your son is around 10? So you're saying perhaps it might be conceivable to go ahead and die when he's around 19? Presumably because after what we call "the childhood years" are done, it'll be better timed, as he won't "really" need you as much...? Well, this may be radical, but I say that's at least debatable.
Let me give you my take. (And I'm NOT, repeat NOT upset, triggered or hurt by your post) My Mom died when I was 19 and that fact was/is very much NOT okay. In fact, two good and caring T's have separately come to believe that the trauma of that loss, lack of proper grieving over it, etc., has clearly led to nearly every problem I have 27 years later. I think my T. now expresses it as the "defining psychological event" or something like that, of my life.
Now, she didn't die by her own hand - it was breast cancer. But I still suffered a huge blow and I was, I believe now, irrevocably changed. The stuff about being an adult at some magical age (18?) and it being "easier" or "better" or something to lose a mother is...well, a crock in my world. I would absolutely love to know a me, the other me that might have been if I could have grown truly into adulthood WITH my Mom. I'll bet it would've really been something, 'cause everyone who knew her thought she would've improved with age and been an especially glorius grandma...but, she died 3 years before my daughter was born <sigh>
Clearly all people end up dealing with grief and loss differently, so I'm not implying anything specific about your son's future mental health, should the unthinkable happen to you. But, your post gave me pause, as I am also an only child, who still has my Dad to this day (but it's just never-been-close to the same as Mom) and I didn't really have anybody else either, much like your son. Those factors STILL mattered in a huge way at 19. I've wondered, if maybe in some ways, younger kids have it a bit better. I mean, at 19, it's assumed you'll deal with it. Little ones are assumed to be devastated, and often rallied around by loving family. Well, I was devastated, too, and I needed that rallying that never happened. Sorry, you're old enough - handle it. Yeah, right.
One thing is, I find it's been confusing to know how to have a right adult relationship with my adult daughter (although it's turned out well - somehow) because I had no model in my own life. How would I know how mothers and daughters act when they're both grown? Mine (death=abandonment; still angry) left me to figure out how to be a young adult, wife, mother, and eveything in between, by myself.
So dear Dinah, how about you just keep finding newer and stronger reasons to keep the ideation at bay, oh, let's say....FOREVER...'cause you are a wonderful, loving Mom now and your son needs that Dinah in his life as long as possible. Believe me, I know. (Gosh, so do you - I haven't forgotten your posts about the sadness of your Dad's death, and you were a just bit older than nineteen...)
Yup, I'm saying no matter how painful or tough, ya' gotta hang in there, for that boy. Kids don't always bounce back when these things happen whatever the age. It's just so hard - too hard.
Sorry for the tangent, but I felt compelled to speak up. I know you really aren't planning your demise anyway...but you struck a chord in me somewhere. I shall climb down off my motherless-adult-child soapbox now. Hope you take this the way it's intended. I think you know my heart well enough by now... (((Dinah+hubby+son)))
poster:10derHeart
thread:579129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051109/msgs/579189.html