Posted by Tabitha on November 3, 2005, at 0:48:46
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by Maynerd on November 2, 2005, at 20:42:20
My last pdoc was convinced that I must want to hang onto my highs when I didn't stay on mood stabilisers. But I don't like mania, or even hypomania. I'm embarrassed by being inconsistent with people. I'll be all friendly and open and social for a couple weeks, then just withdraw and not feel like even a friendly hello, and then I just neglect the relationships or withdraw. I feel like I must appear to be nuts. And that's just mild swings. When I look back on my real hypomania, I'm mortified by things I did. I didn't bankrupt myself, but I made a real fool of myself socially, including some irresponsible sexual behavior. What I wouldn't give to un-do some of the results of that. Such embarrassing memories, and damage to my reputation. I've just tried to move on from everyone and anyone who knew me 'then'. I hate hypomania! And that's just hypomania. The thought of full-blown mania is even worse. It just terrifies me, the thought of having my impulse control broken for days, weeks on end, and people don't understand you're not really 'you'. Yuck!
Oh, and I also loved how people thought I had a drug problem because of my erratic behavior. (A friend told me my boss at work had come to this conclusion) and of course I was too embarrassed to tell everyone no it wasn't a drug problem it was bipolar, since that stigma seemed even worse than having a reputation as having a drug problem. Wonderful times.
So I actually much prefer being depressed. At least you seem more normal. I'd rather appear lazy, unmotivated, and chronically late than high, crazy, and slutty. Just my preference.
poster:Tabitha
thread:574670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051029/msgs/574784.html