Posted by verne on September 26, 2005, at 20:34:12
I'm not that significant but I wanted to apologize to those I may have offended over the past several months. I usually had to be quite drunk to post at all. I'm not typically a "mean" drunk but the combination of losing my inhibitions and feeling like a failure, brought out a kind of angry, bitter, streak.
I'm probably only doing this to get attention, being needy and having such a big ego and all.. I'm such a worm. My huge ego won't let me be just any ordinary worm. I'm a vile, rotten, two-faced, mutant worm. A misfit among worms.
Oops, got carried away wallowing in my self-loathing, shame, and guilt It's always about me. I still cringe with embarrassment over stuff that happened in my childhood when all witnesses have long since died. I actually turn red with shame and cover my face - and I'm alone!
Oops, sidetracked again by my favorite subject. Anyway, while I was drinking I sometimes got mean and argumentive, looking for trouble. I would deliberately try to provoke others while at the same time staying within the bounds of the civility code.
They would go to far, get warned or blocked, and I would congratulate myself on having laid such a brilliant trap. Of course, the next day I felt awful.
Now, I'm 70 plus days sober and still feel awful. I've never been much of a chatter or poster. Even now I find it hard to develop any sort of online relationship with anyone. I don't like emoticons and all the warm, fuzzy expressions of undying love.
Don't get me wrong. I aspire for love, I just don't trust talk about love.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I tend to keep my distance and don't know how to post in a warm, friendly, way. I will, at times, reach out (because I'm so needy) yet pull away (because I'm so withdrawn) leaving others confused. I want to be liked yet in the end just rub most people the wrong way.
Verne
poster:verne
thread:559981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050922/msgs/559981.html