Posted by Deneb on July 24, 2005, at 16:29:54
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger* » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 13:28:49
> Avoidance is something I used to do SO much.. for 2 years I was virtually entirely house bound.. and if I didn't know the phone number on the phones display, there is no way I would have answered it..
I'm virtually house bound now. My life consists of sleep, work and online interactions. When I'm at school my life consists of classes, studying, freaking out and sleep. I have *no* social life outside of online interactions...how sad is that?
> It like I had to relearn how to be human all over again..I think I know what you mean, except in my case I've never learned to be "human" in the first place.
>I knew I couldn't live the life I was living, and so pushed and pushed.. how ever hard something felt, or however much I didn't want to do it, I really pushed myself.
I'm just not sure where to get determination from. :-(
> I have friends who have been an awful lot more ill than you, an awful lot more manipulative, suicidal and unable to live than you.. nearly all of them are alive, surviving and out there fighting and making changes..
I noticed you used the word "nearly" there. I just can't help but wonder if I'm going to be a part of the 1 in 10 who kill themselves. Those are some pretty sad statistics.
> I warn you, I can counter *every* argument you can think of as to why you "can't get better" *grins*
Hmmm...I hope so. ;-)
> the biggest question is though, do you *want* to get better??
I think you're on to something there. I think I like having an excuse to avoid things. I avoid unpleasant things and it only leads to more anxiety and grief for me. I think I enjoy the excitement too...the morbid thoughts and the dark fantasies. I acknowledge that I do seem to need a lot of attention when people give it to me. I've written about it more than once.
I also noticed that I did extremely well when I truly believed that there was nothing wrong with me. I do better when I'm busy too...I don't feel bored and spend my time thinking horrible thoughts.
>OK, I'm going to open up alot here as I thinks its quite an important lesson..
>
> I *enjoyed* being ill. I enjoyed being able to focus in on my illness. I enjoyed saying "I can't do that, I have BPD", or "I am allowed to do this as I have BPD".. I enjoyed having people check I was OK. I enjoyed being able to moan that there was no treatment for me (we have very long waiting lists here in the UK). I enjoyed being able to complain about side effects of meds. Basically, I enjoyed the attention it got me.I've a lot to learn, but I think sometimes I start to "get" it. It will take a lot of getting used to.
Thanks Nikki
Deneb
poster:Deneb
thread:531946
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050719/msgs/532862.html