Posted by Angela2 on July 1, 2005, at 22:44:28
I had a boyfriend for about 5 months, but we broke up. Mainly because of a darkness he was battling with. I really liked him, but the whole time I was with him, his friends really bothered me. I was very uncomfortable around them. They were very nice people, I was just afraid they were going to make fun of me all the time. I guess that's an aspect of myself I need to work on. At one point it got really bad.
I don't really have any real friends. And I feel like I've failed some how by not having them. One girl I hang out with because we both have social anxiety. But I don't really feel fulfilled by her. We just don't click.
Another girl I hang out with a lot right now because I known her for a long time and she just got dumped by her boyfriend and is taking it pretty hard./ So she is kind of using me.
The last person is my ex boyfriend. We have agreed to stay friends even though we aren't together anymore, and we write to each other, sometimes go out to lunch. I think he is my only real friend. And I have a lot of mixed feelings towards him because I still have feelings for him.
I can't help but think that by being uncomfortable around his friends, I have failed relationship-wise. But now that I think about it, we were pretty different people socially (he was able to sustain social relationships, had a tight knit group, I am not able to sustain relationships for some reason mainly because I am paranoid and feel like people are messing w/ me all the time and when I let people in on this, they tend to shy away) and we both have emotional problems. Even though we both like and respect each other, I don't think it would have worked anyway.
I feel really bad that I can't have a real relationship. I think this is something I'm going to work on. I'm going to have to work really hard I think. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to have a bunch of friends someday, who know about my meds and know about my emotional problems and since I respect myself, they will too.
My friend who just got dumped by her boyfriend always wants to go out to bars with me. But I always say no, because the bar scene just isn't for me. I feel like everyone who goes to bars goes because they want to be flirty with other people and be loud and crazy and obnoxious.
But I can't help but feel that I have failed as a person somehow because I don't enjoy these types of activities:(
Thanks if you've read this far. It's become clear to me that I have underlying beliefs and criticisms that I need to change. I just needed to get this out. You babblers mean a lot to me. I'm glad I can come to this place and talk my problems out or socialize or help other people. Thank you again.
-Angela2
poster:Angela2
thread:522231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050630/msgs/522231.html