Posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2005, at 3:16:11
In reply to Re: Lock up gave me PTSD *trigger* » alexandra_k, posted by Shy_Girl on May 19, 2005, at 0:42:24
> Hmmm...I have no idea what would be considered to be verrrrry likely then. I've always told her the truth and well, you know what goes on in my disturbed mind. :-) She's never even flinched.
Thats really terrific that you can be honest with her.
:-)>Maybe I'm not as suicidal as I think I am. I must admit that sometimes my threats are not so much based on wanting to die, but on wanting to make others understand me. A way of communicating maybe...a very disturbed way of communicating?
Yeah. Communicating. I understand that. Its a way of trying to say just how bad things feel. What they need to assess is how likely you are to ACT on your thoughts / urges. Especially if the thoughts / urges are frequent.
> I tried to convince the p-doc really hard that I was not a threat to myself...I listed very concrete reasons like I live with my parents, I didn't take a lethal dose, I only wanted to fake an illness, etc. etc....but he was intent on locking me up :-(
Sounds like you said the right sorts of things to me... I guess their thinking is 'better safe than sorry'.
> I guess to people outside it does look kind of messed up to take so much aspirin just to fake an illness to get out of taking an exam.It looks extreme. An extreme way to manage the situation.
>...I guess my actions spoke louder than any of my words.
Maybe you looked more upset / distressed than you realised... If they couldn't get hold of your p-doc and you haven't had prior contact with the service then it would make sense that they would have a 'better safe than sorry' attitude about it.
> The patients there didn't talk much...Yeah. I think the atmosphere can change quite significantly on the ward depending on the people in there. Sometimes the people are helpful, other times they are pretty sick and at other times they are best avoided...
>plus I didn't want to talk much. It was so lonely and scary there...it was the weekend and there weren't any activities to fill the time. Not too many patients either...most went home on the weekends.
Yeah. It was your first admission? I was pretty freaked out in my first admission. I can remember a bit of just how frightened and alone I felt. No fun at all... And it is typically the sickest people who don't get leave on weekends. So most of the patients who may have been helpful to talk to had probably gone home. It isn't a pleasant environment. I get that.
>It was real scary...a lot of "code whites" during the night...I even saw a nurse with leather restraints!!! In the middle of the night, I kept imagining that people where being wheeled off to get ECT or something...terrifying!
ECT tends to be done in the morning (need to have time with no food / fluids before the anasthetic). But I get what you mean. It is pretty scairey.
> Sigh, yes I know...it's just so frustrating...to have to be so "calm" when faced with such a situation. I did it somehow though, cuz they did let me out after 3 days :-):-)
> What was seclusion like? I have no idea at all. Is it just a time-out room? Do you get locked in? That would sound very scary.
****TRIGGER****Yeah you get locked in.
It is kind of like a prison cell...
Bare concrete walls.
Matress on the floor.
You might / might not get a blanket depending on your 'considered level of risk'.
There is a slot at the bottom of the door that they can slide your food through.
Paper plate.
Soft option.
Plastic spoon.
A tiny box of an opening in the door that they can open to look at you every 10 minutes.
You have to wear a hospital gown.
You get a toilet (sort of off to one side).
But they can see everything through the box in the door.
The toilet doesn't even have a seat.
Just a metal bowl really.The first time I went into seclusion I could hear one girl singing from one of the other rooms.
She would scream a lot.
And rave very loudly about her aunt.
I think she was having delusions about being persecuted by the nazi's.
She would rave about that a lot.The staff just observe you for a while...
Then talk to you a bit etc.
If they figure you are ok they will take you into the yard every hour or so for a cigarette.
If they figure you are ok they might let you sit on the couch and watch a bit of tv.The first time I was hospitalised I was 2 weeks in hospital before I tried to hang myself. One of the other clients found me and screamed out to the staff. They cut me down and I lost it. Screaming and kicking etc. Got an injection and got put in seclusion. I think I spent about a week in there. Till the chlorpromazine had me well and truely turned into a vegetable. I went from there to one of the more secure wards. On special obs (someone with me all the time). I was so out of it that someone had to walk me to the toilet. Walk me outside for a smoke. Walk me to the tv. Walk me to bed.
I don't know what happened to me there...
I don't know...
But I guess they were trying to keep me safe.
Then the ECT's...It is no fun at all.
Don't go that route.
Please.> I don't know about contracts...I've never had to really make one. I can't really see how they can really work, but if making one will keep me from being locked up again...I'll make it.
Thats the idea. If your p-doc gets too worried about your safety she might want you to contract just for a brief period. To promise not to do anything over a weekend or something like that.
> I wish I could be happy/sad/angry/fearful whenever I wanted...instead of being controlled so much by my environment.Yeah. I wish I could be happy all the time :-)
I think...
You have more control than you realise.
Well... Not now, because you don't have control if you don't know you have control... I just mean that I think that you can learn how to control them more. The environment certainly does play a role. But there are things we can do as well. That is the sort of thing I learned in DBT. About the sorts of things I could do to influence my mood. I really do think things will get to be better for you as you come to learn about the sorts of things you can do to influence your mood etc. So your emotions don't feel completely at the mercy of external forces...> I'm just really confused right now.
((((ShyGirl)))
>I don't know when I'm really "rational."
Me neither. Thats why it can be good to talk to other people as well. Get their take.
>I'm starting to question whether or not I really have insight into my problems.
Same thing. It is good to talk to other people. I'm not so sure there is any such thing as 'insight' it is more that there are many 'insights' we can have along the way. Some of your obeservations seem very insightful to me :-) You aren't raving bonkers ;-)
I haven't worked out quite when to trust myself and when not to trust myself either.
That one is a hard one.
That is why it is nice to talk to other people too and get their take. If they agree with me then I think I am on to something. If some agree and some disagree then I think about it a bit more. If everyone disagrees with me then that tells me that I might want to think a bit more about their reasons and my reasons and then maybe rethink my opinion.
I don't know.
Take care.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:499309
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/499729.html