Posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 2:07:06
disclaimer: the following is really really just a confused selfconsumed me-trying-to-make-sense-Rambling.
...I do not know, I'm confused.
I'm trying to cope; I am only just now coming to terms with the fact that I am bipolar.
I'm 18 and have been ignorant my whole life, even growing up with a bipolar mother, to the fact that mental illness is Serious, horrifying, painful and resistant to willpower as it is. It had all hit me like a sledgehammer and I am just now, these past couple months, staggering back to a safe distance from the chaos of psychosis.
Trying to pick up the peices, most of which are irreparable. Namely friendships. I am reading, and I am getting frusterated. I do not talk to anyone anymore...and thats the worst because I am a VERY social person. So i feel like i must throw tantrums; which is new to me. I have destroyed every relationship I've had and...feel like i can't trust myself with people anymore. I'm ultraparanoid . That every thought I have is deluded. Totally ashamed of my loss of grasp on reality. I cannot stop second-guessing myself, I become obsessive this way.
This is all so new to me, I was not even moody through junior high or highschool.
My official diagnosis is bipolar1. (i prefer manic depression)
But i have not had any symptoms evaluated since that manic bout in the summer. I have been catatonically depressed. I have rapid-cycled. i have definatly experienced "mixed mania".
I do not know what*who I am anymore, I can't sort the me from the disorder, or..well what have you....But I know that something is very very wrong.
I am currently on antidepressents and a mild* (at my insisting) mood stabalizer.
and am wondering if this combination is simply wrong for me.
or, i wonder, am i borderline, do i have ocd, adhd, am i cyclothymic. agh f*ck theres too much.
my thoughts are tortured, and i do not know if this is simply the way i am,(GOD PLEASE NO.)
or, if its an inevitable result of this tumultuous year, or, if possibly i am inalterably flawed and damned to a selfconstructed hell. Or is this just an "Episode" .
Of something.
Or something.
And stuff. And sh*t. ahha haha.
I know I should be talking to somebody, I know I shouldnt be swallowing these pills every day with the knowladge that they most likely arent helping me. They may be the cause of this unnessiscary ..strife.
and i just wish i could feel Okay.I wish for understanding, i wish i didnt alienate everyone who ever cared for me. i wish they could understand how hard i am trying. That they don't think me Evil. Freakish.
Oh man.
and hmmm. i cannot decide wether i am angry at peoples confusion, about the lack of answers, lack of campassion and empathy that i really do* deserve, and OH THE *SSHOLES COLD CRUEL WORLD ARG i feel so hateful sometimes. ORRRRRRRRRrr, or am I really just this horrible failure of a human being, i deserve to be ridiculed, marginalized, isolated, i really am Crazy, an immature attention starved little girl. I really am the deceptive, conniving, manipulative, needy, unstable pretty little rich girl that they tell me i am.it is hard after experiencing a break with reality. not hard, its f*cking imposible to reckon with this, come back whole and dignified, self confident after something like that.
my self confidence is currently smashed beneath whale sh*t at the bottom of the ocean.
CURrently* . (I may wake up hypomanic tomorrow. And everything will make sense. I may even want to delete this post. So i will probably follow it with a hundred more posts trying to remedy my error in thought...) THIS is what is killing me currently.
and i wanna emphasize that this is alll sooo new to me. so your advice, your thoughts, would be very helpful i think. real people ,you guys are. this is good. i have never spilled my heart out to someone before who may actually understand. (i am also learning that spilling my heart out is VERRY VERRY dangerous. I DIgress, but last night, this boy who i've become devestatingly attatched to,
he saw me naked in every sense, this adorable little shithead , i spilled my heart to, and guess what he said to me last night: "i've just never seen anything like this, so its hard for me to beleive you." ...what..?? oh sh*t that burns. its burnns. this bastard, i love him, he called me a Little Girl, which isn't such a bad label, compared to what else ive been called , but coming from someone you...lust?? God.) hehesorry for straying from ...what was it i was talking about before? nevermind.and duuude this post is so long, me!me!me! i hate this crap. but em , you are good people and i am SO GLAD i found this site.
ehh, replys would be most appreciated. thankss.
poster:lydia
thread:436680
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041226/msgs/436680.html