Posted by pretty_paints on December 21, 2004, at 13:56:15 [reposted on December 21, 2004, at 17:07:05 | original URL]
Hello everyone. Again, I am fumigating!
ARRRGGGHHHH
I am feeling so fed up of people not understanding mental illness. Perhaps because it is nearing xmas, I seem to be bumping into a lot of people, friends, aquaintances, and having to broach the topic of illness. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH. I don't actually like talking about it at all, but somehow it inevitably comes up. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, it's more that I need to explain things properly, and a quick chat at the bustop just leads to misunderstanding. I always hold back, but after they've given me their whole year's history, and you've done the whole "mmm, that sounds cool" thing, the baton kinda passes to you, and you have to say SOMETHING. So I say I've been ill. They look you over suspiciously, you can just see them pondering on what deadly disease you may have contracted. So you put them right, "it was a psychiatric illness". ARGH, and then from then on I hate it...
First encounter: a mate from Cambridge. A mathmo (explains it all, hehe). We get chatting, I go through the normal process of explaining just what I have spent the past year doing (or more to the point, not doing). I try to steer away from the whole "psychotic" thing, but somehow it ends up in the conversation. He's like "So, what do you mean you were psychotic?". "Give me some examples". I tried to give him some examples of delusions. But each one he would explain away, kinda like "Oh well we all feel like people are talking about us from time to time". And "Oh I sometimes feel like that too, that's normal". It's like people want me to PROVE myself to them. Kinda like, "Go on then, give it your best, try and convince me". WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO PROVE MYSELF TO THEM? ARRRGGH. And on it went in the following maner...
"But how could you believe those things now you know they're not true?"
"But you seem fine to me!" (like, all of the doctors collectively got it wrong)
"Well why don't you stop taking these, what do you call them, antipsychotics? You know now that those thoughts weren't true, so you won't think them again"
"Do you want my advice?" (no, not particularly). "You need to get back to Cambridge" (why, I ask). "You need to get back here for next term because otherwise all the students will be YEARS younger than you and that's just gonna lead to problems" (riiiiight, heading back to a stressful environment with a mental illness in tow will be better for me than starting Uni again in a few years with a healthy mind, but with a few younger people on my course. Honestly)
"You know, I'm sure there must be a formula for depression" (I'm not joking. Not only does he believe that one day we will be able to "explain" depression via an equation, he looks on it like a fun challenge or an interesting topic for debate, and seems to think I should do the same. I hate this. It totally undermines the HELL that I've gone through this year)
"Oh I know all about depression. My mate, her sister AND her mum had it, and the woman down the road, the man across the street...blah blah blah crap....and they were only out for a few months" (so obviously this applies to me too)
BEST QUOTE OF ALL: "Kate I'll tell you what, let me be your shrink" (what the..?). "Seriously, listen to Dr.Pete. I think you need to come out with me and Johnny to Gatecrasher this sunday. Seriously, I think it could be good for you" (me, no way). "Go on Kate! Look, its like an alternative treatment plan". I explain that the sort of stuff I feel up to doing at the moment includes the gardening group and the art group at day therapy, and that's about it. But he carries on, almost joking, like the whole thing is really ammusing. "Yeh but that's what the shrink is advising you to do! And they always advise people to do that, but there are loads of crazy people in the world, so maybe the docs don't know what they're talking about". I explain that I think they DO know what they're talking about, since that is all I feel up to at the moment, and they know that. Blah blah blah crap.
Second encounter: This was chatting with an old mate on msn. Again, he went through the whole "prove to me that you're ill" thing. "What hospital were you in?". I reply. "Oh don't worry, that's not a real mental hospital". Um hello? Where exactly was I for that time then? "Were you sectioned?". Me, no. "Then don't worry, you're not crazy ok?". Then he went on to the following fairly unbelievable quote...
"Do you think all of this is because you're not in a relationship?" (ey?) "Well I just think that maybe you think people hate you and maybe you believe you're evil because you don't have anyone who loves you" (My family love me I say) "Yeh, but I'm talking about a relationship. If I was in your position, I know that if I had someone who I could talk to about anything, who loved me whatever, I wouldn't have those thoughts". Well, you would if you were psychotic I say. Sure, support is fantastic and helps loads. But the POINT of psychosis is that it is not based on real life. AAARRRRRGGGHH.
Third encounter: I went to get my hair cut today, and who did I meet but a lady whose son used to play in a football team with my brother. La la la, we chatted away. Out came the bloody "illness" card again. And she came to the same conclusion that a million other people have come to...
"Oh I suppose it was the stress of Cambridge that made you ill was it?"
LIKE I COULDN'T COPE WITH THE ACADEMIC SIDE OF THINGS.
I am telling you know, I wouldnt have got through my gcse's and a-levels if I couldn't have coped with that kind of stress. I battled so hard to get a place there. AAARRGGHH.
Besides, "academic stress" does not lead to paranoid, delusional behaviour. Sure, it was stressful. But its like my tutor said, Uni brings problems to the surface. If problems have been brewing under the surface for a while, you can be sure that the academic stress will bring it all out. And that's exactly what it did for me. Plus, I'd always thought that once I got to Cambridge I'd be happy, it was (I thought) what I'd always wanted. But once I was there, I was still desperately unhappy and confused. So that's when I knew there were problems and I couldnt put off thinking about them any more. But everyone just ASSUMES that it was the shock of meeting intelligent people that made me ill. I went to a very run-of-the-mill state school, which I loved. But there wasnt many people to chat about academic things with and I felt a bit out of place. I KNEW at Camb there would be tons of clever people who would so easily outsmart me, but that was ok! That's what I wanted! But for people to just think I couldnt handle not being the "top bird" is just ridiculous. People say it to my parents too. "Oooh, I wouldnt send Katie back to Cambridge". AARRGGGH.
Okay breeeeaaathee.....I think I have got that big rant out of my system now.
Thank you and goodnight!!
poster:pretty_paints
thread:432551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041217/msgs/432551.html