Posted by Atticus on December 15, 2004, at 21:32:50
In reply to Re: At the Copa, CopaCabanna » Atticus, posted by AdaGrace on December 15, 2004, at 19:49:42
I can remember spending most of the late '90s and early '00s just pummeling myself unconscious almost every night with fistfuls of Klonopin, Ambien, and Jack Daniels. The only way to get out from under everything was to induce a blackout. And I only really stopped, if I'm to be honest about it, was because I'd wake up nauseous at about four in the morning, get sick, and think only, "Dammit, just puked away a lot of perfectly good benzos." These days, when morning rears its hated head, and my joints literally ache from being tensed up all night long as I ride the nightmare express (thank you, Effexor), I just try to focus on a single very tactile pleasant memory or something small that I can do for myself that day. Yesterday, it was playing with a dog at my grandmother's house in Jersey named Sam. Day before that, it was the smell of bacon filling the apartment, wafting through the air vents, on Sunday mornings when I was a kid, and knowing the Daily News comics section was laid out and waiting for me at the kitchen table. A lot of times, it's been the anticipation of having scrambled eggs and sausage at a nearby diner on a Saturday or day off. Not much of a life preserver, I admit, but it helps get my mind away from the big scary questions that you're talking about; I've sat up in bed clutching the sides of my head and shouted, "Stop!" when the "What will become of me?" thought starts circling my brain like a shark. I think that's the most terrifying one to me in the morning in the dark. I think it's best left unanswered and ignored at times like this. Hope you find your way to some peaceful thoughts tonight. Leave the cosmic stuff to whoever controls it. Atticus
poster:Atticus
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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041209/msgs/430096.html