Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2004, at 21:06:05
In reply to Re: Mel's twisted logic » Dinah, posted by AuntieMel on November 19, 2004, at 11:10:07
However, I'm disillusioned. I think hospice might be fabulous for very end of life, but perhaps not so good for early end of life. I had to spend last night at the hospice because they gave my father morphine and his liver couldn't process it and he went from being completely lucid and having really important conversations with me and a business associate to moaning and incoherence. The social worker and nurse tried to convince me that it was his disease progressing and he needed the morphine. My father was *not* in severe pain. He has some aches in his legs from neuropathy, but that's it.
Two of his doctors confirmed this, and today he's back to being himself. Weak but coherent.
Fortunately I went to school with the charge nurse and arranged that my father be tested for sugars, and got help getting the doctor to write orders not to give him morphine.
He found out the night before they gave him the morphine what hospice meant. It made a huge difference to him. He stopped fighting me about the sitters when he found out he didn't need to worry about paying them indefinitely.
When I tell him I love him, he's been answering back. First he just said "back at you" but now he's saying "i love you too". He's showing affection with some other people who have come to visit too. This is potentially an incredibly important spiritual and relationship time for him. And it looks like he realizes that and is ready to take advantage of it. As long as he isn't in pain, it's my goal to keep him as normal mentally as he has been. Because he really has been. He's just weak, but sharp as a whip. The day before yesterday he figured out someone's motivations that I didn't see, and it was later confirmed. He remembered the nurse's names while I didn't. So he's more competent than I am. :) I don't think they're used to that, and I don't think they honor and respect that as much as they should.
I want him back home. This is just as damaging to him in some ways as the situation at home was. He deserves some respect and dignity for his not inconsiderable intellect while he can still use it. When he's in pain, I'll be the first to ask for morphine. But not until then.
And I don't want them trying to convince me he's dying faster than he really is. The doctor was clear that jaundice will be there when the cirrhosis really starts to take over. I really was grateful for that because I have a clear way to check when they're saying it's his disease and not the medication they're giving. If I hadn't raised a big fuss, he'd still be out of it completely and his death would probably have been hastened, because morphine not clearing out of your body because of a bad liver can't possibly leave your life expectancy unaffected.
Still... I'm really upset. Enormously upset. That they think I'm a grown up and capable of handling all this.
poster:Dinah
thread:415167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041114/msgs/418440.html