Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
I really feel like crawling into a dark, dark place and just hiding. I am so very tired of ME. I am so tired of my body, my mind, my insecurities, my fears. I am so tired of striving for perfection and failing over and over again. I am so tired of logically knowing that it doesn't help to hate myself but not finding it possible to find anything worthwhile. I love my life, because I love my husband and son, but I hate me in my life. Does that make sense? I sat for hours last night just rocking back and forth and crying and hating my body and myself. My chest hurts so much from hitting myself with a fist. I've broken the veins and I guess it will bruise. Nothing wrong with that.
I apologise for this trigger but really need to get it out. I took my husband's gun last night. I held it for a long time, I stroked it, I placed it in my mouth. I had no intention of pulling the trigger so I don't know what I was doing. I then took the gun to my sleeping husband and asked him to help me, that I was just so tired. He was angry with me. When I went back later he was asleep but had put the gun between his legs. This morning he is not talking to me. So now I have that to worry about too. All I wanted was for him to hold me, to say that he understands and that it will be ok. But all I have done is anger him. Failure! As usual.
How do I get him to understand that I am weary, totally drained. I have no energy to even begin trying to like being me.
I am tapering down on Effexor and yesterday was my first 75mg dose from 112.5mg. I felt fine physically but don't know if this severe depression is because I suffer from it, or from the tapering.
I don't even have energy to apologise for this downhearted post. I need friends right now. I am lonely and tired. I am so tired.
If I close my eyes, will it all just go away?
Sabrina
poster:saw
thread:408242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041026/msgs/408242.html