Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
my bf and i just had a terrible fight..i usually don't speak up to him but just take it..i spoke up and all hell broke loose..he said such horrible things to me in a really mean voice and kicked the door in really hard and it hit me. i can't take this anymore..i have no resources and nowhere to go and a bad knee (chondromalacia) so i can't lift anything remotely heavy so i don't know how i'd even get my stuff out of here..i have no family to turn to..my bf said how much i get on his nerves, called me a cunt, worthless, critized me all that (the usual). he looks at me with such hate and i hear it in his voice. i asked him how he could talk to me like that..where's his compassion..i get nowhere..i was hysterical..
i have suffered for so long, i'm developing a soreness in my fingers, which i think is arthritis..i'm only 32..i'm totally stuck..there's no way out..i've been hanging in there for so long..suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem for many-for me..it has been a permanent problem..13 years of pure hell..why should i have to take this anymore..where are my rights? i always think of how much it would hurt my parents, even though they've been horrible to me and i'm not in contact with them..but they have put me through hell, too..why don't my feelings matter? i've stayed alive for them for so long even though they're #$$holes..i've suffered so long..i feel like maybe i'm meant to end it..i'm not being irrational here..i just can't stand this anymore..i am in hell..who am i kidding..my bf even told me to kill myself. although i'd never do something b/c he suggested it..boy, i sound so pitiful..but i have been through hell on earth and i've had enough. whenever i get some kind of opening something bad happens..my bf disgusts me..i haven't had sex with him in a while..i told him he needs to be nice to me..he said if i did he would get the stuff i need at the drugstore..now he has gone back on his word..i am so disgusted..this is so personal and humiliating to say all this, but i have to..most people would have given up a long time ago..i'm so sorry to put this shit on you people..no one can help me..i just had to post this..sorry if i depressed anyone. i look so young but my body feels really old..as well as my soul..
poster:alesta
thread:399573
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041001/msgs/399573.html