Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:44:35
In reply to Re: need to rant, posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:31:20
Daisy,
thanks for writing to me!I do the "are you sure? really?" thing A LOT. I like your advice on that topic...I think it will help me to think about that. I know it drives him nuts when I keep asking "are you sure you still love me?" or "do you love me even if I'm not working full time?" [I just hope I don't drive him away BY asking these kinds of questions...]
I love him, and trust him. I need to stop asking for the same answer over and over. (is it my OCD kicking back in? hmmmm...)
JenStar
> Jen,
>
> I agree with everything above. I think many of us channel our own stress and worry into work...I know I do. The sicker my hubby is, the more I work. It is a coping mechanism. It also provides me with solid footing around something I'm good at. Because I can't fix him. And your husband can't "fix" you.
>
> It might help to say, "I'm lonely. I miss you. I appreciate how much work you have but I want some time together." And use that time to not do household chores.
>
> Marriage isn't about an even score. Someone really wise once told me if you give 100%, everything you get from your partner is gravy. If they give 100%, everything they get from you is gravy. If you both do it, you are at 200% and nothing can beat that. It is hard to practice, hard not to resent that 100% sometimes, but my stress goes down when I stop trying to anticipate what my husband is thinking or feeling or wants from me and I do what I want, or I ask what he wants. And accept his answer. I use to drive him crazy with "are you sure? Because we have this or this or this, too..." I wanted him to be happy.
>
> Ok, this is really long. Spouses are hard, and when you are depressed or anxious, they are really, really hard. But remember, he promised "for better or worse" so remind him...
>
> Sending you support.
>
poster:JenStar
thread:381995
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/382315.html