Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 7:24:01
Yesterday I went to a shopping mall with a co-worker. She knows that I get rattled when my husband is out of town. her daughter was with her father for the weekend, so it worked out that it was convenient for both of us to get together.
I took xanax before we started out because I haven't been to a mall in the last 9 months without panicking and having to leave. Neither of us were looking for anything in particular, just doing that quintessentially american form of exercise called window shopping.
I had no panic. I wasn't frustrated. I didn't feel like I was tugging her along or weighing her down. We found a store that was going out of business and scooped some 70% off prizes. A shopping victory.
I felt normal?? Is that what this was? My breath came in normal measures. The people around me did not alarm me. I wasn't afraid of looking shabby or ugly or out-of-my-league.
On the way home my friend (looks weird to see that word in my post) shared her problems with her divorce. Not being able to let go emotionally, resenting the replacment wife, but not briging her daughter into it. How she doesn't think she'll be able to share her life and home with anyone else again. I was able to listen and contribute.
The afternoon was a gift for me. A glimpse at who I've been able to be before, and who is still inside me, peeking out finally. So liberating to feel that this prison I've made is one I can break out of. I'm so grateful. For Babble, For meds, For therapy, for EMDR. For the love and support of my husband. For the compassion my employer has shown. I am so fortunate. I feel like I am starting to come through on the other side.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:364958
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040706/msgs/364958.html