Posted by Racer on June 11, 2004, at 21:58:57
In reply to Re: half-full of life (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 11, 2004, at 20:37:14
Last year, when I tried to kill myself, I used anti-depressants. Our (now former -- she moved away) marriage counselor had instructed my husband that he must lock up all possible methods from me: pills, needles, insulin, all of it, and make sure I couldn't get my hands on any of them. The psychiatrist who had seen me for meds when we moved down here had instructed my husband to have me hospitalized, no matter what I might want. He also told my husband to MAKE SURE the doctors at the emergency room admitted me, despite anything I might say. Guess what? My husband did not believe that it was a serious as they were trying to tell him. He listened to me say that I didn't want to be hospitalized. And that was with SUPPORTIVE mental health care providers.
Here's the thing: if you don't talk in your sessions, and your therapist DOES talk through your sessions so that you don't even get a chance to talk, that might not be the most therapeutic method for you, you know? That worries me, because I do think that a good therapist can make such a difference for [really, for anyone], and -- I'm not going to say it, because you know if I'm on the right track or not here.
But the real problem I see, something that I suspect is truly and literally killing you, is the therapist your husband is seeing! If I hadn't just had my fabulous round of total idiots with psychotherapy licenses I would hardly believe such things can happen! If she is telling him that you are going to die by suicide, what sort of messages is she sending? First off, she's telling him to start telling you indirectly that you're only temporary right now, that suicide is inevitable, etc. For crying out loud! Not only that, though, she's also telling him not to bother doing anything to help keep you safe, because it won't matter. What a lousy, lousy situation for you!
And you wanna know one more little thing? Right now, aside from being quite angry that professionals can be so willfully blind to the damage they may inadvertantly cause, I don't care how hard it is on your husband, I don't care if your kids might be confused by having a depressed Mommy, I only care that you're hurting so much and that so much could be done to help you and isn't. That is truly upsetting.
I'll also tell you a little about my Mommy. She has a problem with depression, too, although not to the extent that I do. It was worse when I was a kid, and you can read almost any book on ways to screw up a child and find me in it, OK? And most of the reason for a lot of those experiences was my Mommy being depressed. You know what, though? Ask me if I ever blame her? Ask me if I would have been better off in any way at all if she had left me? Ask me if I love her very much? Ask me when the last time I spoke with her was? (About 20 minutes ago -- to plan taking her shopping on Monday.) Ask me what I feel about my childhood experiences with her for a mother? You wanna know the real answer to that last one? BLESSED! My depressed mother, who never believes any of this when I try to tell her, not only created such profound magic in my life, she also taught me most of the traits that I'm most proud of now, the things that have kept me alive for [never mind how many] years now. Growing up with my Mommy taught me some bad things -- that there's nowhere I can ever go for help, that I can't trust anyone who claims to want to help me, that I have to be very hard on myself because I'm weak and lazy, all sorts of bad things that she never meant to teach me -- but she also taught me so much of the antidote: Therapy Can Help -- yeah, I still believe that, even after the Three Stooges routine I've just been through; Hard Work Will Improve Your Life -- well, gotta define the terms here, but if you apply it to therapy instead of my usual set of self-criticism targets, then yes; Look For Solutions -- guess what? That one is what I am most proud of. At almost any moment, no matter how far down I am, if someone comes to me with a problem within my scope, I can Look For Solutions. (That had a lot to do with my state earlier this week: bad med reaction left me without that ability. Once it started coming back, I started Looking For Solutions again and feeling a bit better.) The point is, My Depressed Mommy comes out way on the Plus side on any cost/benefit analysis I can come up with. Your kids' depressed mommy does too, no matter what you think right now. How sure am I about that? Tell you what, how old are your kids now? I will bet you the sum of $2500 that if we ask them at the age of 30 whether or not they would have been better off had you died this year -- or any other year -- they will say, "Of course not! Things may have been bad at times, but I always needed my Mommy to be there!"
Of course, to collect that bet if you're right, you still have to be here.
poster:Racer
thread:355565
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/355918.html