Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
This has been all in all a very different day.
To start I woke up at 2:00 AM. I figure I went to sleep somewhere around midnight, which means I got two whole hours of sleep. That is completely backward from any of my sleep problems. I would usually go to bed very late, stay awake, but once I was out, I was out. I don't think I liked this one.
Yesterday, my alters wanted a discussion with me. I didn't let that happen, and I think some of them are upset. I think I know what they wanted to talk about. Also, while I was in my T's office I could feel a switch coming on, and it wa like my eyes were doing this rapid switch from focussing on two different places in the room. It was really tough. Somehow, I didn't let it happen.
A good thing happened today.... I brought some of my jewelry to a store, and I have my own display and a contract. I hope things will work out with that. I just worry that people won't think that my jewelry is worth what the store owner wants to charge for it.
I've been trying to talk to my case manager. I've called her twice, today and yesterday. She hasn't gotten back to me, and I'm starting to feel that I'm too much of a problem for her and she doesn't want to deal with me.
I've also been looking at different schools that have a music therapy program. Now I'm worried that I'm not a good enough musician, and that I won't do well enough on the audition. I looked at the audition requirements, and there are some skills that I don't yet have. I have thought about getting lessons here to gain those skills, but I worry that I still might not be good enough.
*************trigger zone***************
I was thinking back to the times when I was young, and my brother and I were altar servers at our church. (for those that don't know, or remember from some of my earlier posts, I was born and raised male. I don't like to remember that, but it was and still is, I guess, important). The priest would bring us, some of the servers to his camp for a sort of vacation, etc.
I was thinking about the games we played. This priest's favorite was when one of the boys would be in his underwear, and he would have all of us slap his stomach, on and on, until the poor kid was screaming. He would be laughing, and convincing us that it was really funny. I don't remember if I was ever slapped like that or not.
Many of the boys there were sexually abused. My brother was one of them. I know that the others that I remember being there were too. I don't remember if I was or not.
One game that we played in the winter there was to draw a square about 3' on a side. An axe was placed in the square, and we would jump from the dock onto the square and chop at the borders of the square with the axe. It was 'funny' when one finally broke through the ice. I don't know if I ever fell through the ice or not.
I can remember so many things, but not what happened to me. I remember my brother screaming. I remember slapping at his stomach. I remember the priest pouring water on so that it would sting more and make more noise. I remember not liking that game. I don't remember what happened to me.
I was looking at our family picture albums this week, and found this priest's photographs with my family. Just a reminder.... Just another twist of the knife.
I'm sure that more things happened there. I have little pictures. I don't like remembering these things. I thought I had remembered what happened, but the pictures just get bigger, the details clearer, the noises, the sound of the ice cracking, the sound of children screaming, the laughing. I don't want to remember.
I'm sorry to those of you who didn't yet know that I was a boy, or partly, I hope you don't think I'm trying to deceive. It is posted here some time back, but I don't like saying it often. It sort of mattered in this post though.It sucks. I don't like what I was. I don't like what happened in my childhood. I don't like much of my past at all. Now, I'm scared of the future. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I'll fail to get into a good school. I'm afraid I won't do well once I get there, if I get there.
I really feel like I need to throw up.h
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:355585
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/355585.html