Posted by pegasus on May 22, 2004, at 17:52:34
In reply to Re: Can't forgive myself » pegasus, posted by fraulein1456 on May 22, 2004, at 17:34:31
It sounds like you were depressed back then. At least, apathy like you describe is a very common symptom of depression. And if you were depressed, it's not a failing of yours that you couldn't care about making it to the job on time. It's part of the disorder. We tend to think that mental issues are all a matter of will, but they're often not. I mean, you can't will yourself into having the will to make it to work on time, right? I've tried it, and I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's just impossible.
I've been there lots of times in my life. There are times where I just don't care whether I eat, or sleep, or go to work, or talk to friends, or live or die. At those times, I can't do much for myself. They're not easy times. But I've learned to give myself a break about them. On those really bad days, I can now say to myself, ok, well, this is going to be a bad day, and I'm going to do a few things (like call in sick, or rearrange my schedule) that help me not have to accomplish much. It wasn't easy to learn to do these things, and it's not easy to do them, now that I've learned. But I still think it's progress for me.
I've found therapy to be hugely helpful in coping with this type of thing. Is there any type of county agency that you could go to, or other type of inexpensive therapy? For example, lots of therapists have sliding scales. It sounds like it might really help you. If there is any type of crisis hotline or mental health agency in your area, they might be able to give you some referals.
In the meantime, hang in there. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself. If it helps at all, what you did doesn't sound so bad to me. I mean, I understand how it's frustrating to look back and see previous behavior that led to problems. But we all do it sometimes. I hope you can eventually start to think about looking forward more than looking back.
pegasus
poster:pegasus
thread:349668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349723.html