Posted by spoc on May 12, 2004, at 19:10:16
In reply to I used to be able to feel music, posted by Dinah on May 12, 2004, at 16:52:14
On the 'note' of the effect music has on someone changing... (sorry if anything similar has already been said here)...
Music has always been like a drug for me -- I would make my own tapes/CDs like a pharmacist mixing just what was needed. Needed to spark the mood and energy in me that I wanted for a given setting. For example, I used to make tons of mixed tapes (can I just say tapes, yeah yeah dino here) to run to; could be any of many kinds of music depending on my whim that day.
And I would blast the living whatever out of my eardrums brain and just take off like a shot, sometimes running almost too far or feeling too pumped up for it to even seem 'right.' But wow, I loved it; felt like I was dancing and I would even have a hard time not gesturing and singing out loud as I went.
So, that kind of inspiration and passion applied to many different settings and types of music for me. Now, since I've been solidly down and inert for quite a spell (or even during brief episodes), I have to avoid any kind of music that really stirs me. Because I still FEEL it alright -- it's just that it propels me back so vividly to certain aspects of certain periods in my life that I've become so disconnected from.
It creates these opposing conditions within me to where my MIND feels all the same passions as I did during those great/better times; but so many things are different right now that I can't just step back into them... And that realization -- of the ocean between the two -- really shocks and troubles me.
By day I'll lurch to change a channel if any of many types of songs come on; but sometimes things sneak up on me in the wee hours. I may wake up in the middle of the night with the TV still on and some song (not by any means necessarily a sad one) will be playing in the background, and I'll feel like I was just kicked in the stomach, and want to cry and cry, or throw up! (You know how that is, how things can sometimes hit you harder after you've sleeping??) It's then I'm realizing what I've let happen to my passions and my life..
But maybe I'm looking at this backwards, maybe what I need to do instead is MAKE myself play music and "confront" the cavern I've allowed to form and widen, so that the spark of feelings may ultimately help pull me back out of it..?
poster:spoc
thread:345219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040507/msgs/346256.html