Posted by noa on May 7, 2004, at 18:18:17
In reply to day II sorry so short... » spoc, posted by karen_kay on May 6, 2004, at 13:19:43
>oh, and about 'those people' who ask if you are busy. i always say 'depends'... i'm pretty good at ahving an excuse. my old man! 'oh, you know my old man, he won't let me." and then most people understand. but spoc, i'd never do that to you. i'd free my schedule for you anytime. and i'd never be so rude as to ask what you were doing before explaing precisely what it was i was asking you to do. the nerve of some people. sometimes people just don't think before they speak. not you of course, i meant every other person on this planet. to try to coyly trap you into doing something without telling you what it is they want you to do.
KK,
WOW--what timing! This is a very current issue for me. Just yesterday I was telling my therapist about the coy trapping thing and the wierd ways people ask for favors.
1. "Are you busy tomorrow at 1:00 pm?"
or, the even more intrusive:
"What are you doing at 1:00 pm tomorrow?"
OK, they've already stepped into my space-grrrrr. WTH business is it of theirs to know my specific agenda items for the day? They've cornered me with this sly little question, and such a question has become sort of "normal" to a lot of people. Not to me. Especially in my job where I have a lot of stuff to do that isn't always specifically scheduled, like calling the 43 thousand angry people back after I listen to their voice mail messages, and performing circus tricks on cue from my superiors.....
2. "Can you do me a favor?"
This one has the effect of cornering people, too. I have learned to say "I don't know, tell me what you are asking first." BUt I still feel like they've made me defend my boundaries and I don't like to have to do that all the time, which seems to be the case more and more! And then I feel some pressure to have to justify why I cannot do what they are asking. Grrrrr
I think that there are certain people who can ask these questions without it feeling like I'm being cornered, but that is only in the case of certain close co-workers, for instance, where there is trust and a sense of mutual support.
I was just talking about this exact thing in therapy this week because it is a goal of mine to say "no" more and hold my boundaries better.
poster:noa
thread:340747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040507/msgs/344514.html