Posted by spoc on April 27, 2004, at 9:08:33
In reply to My boyfriend's depression is driving me crazy!, posted by rachel11 on April 25, 2004, at 21:09:49
> ...I love him very much, and when he is not depressed we get along well, care about each other, and have a lot of fun together. But when he is depressed, its like he isn't even there. He is planning to see a therapist, but I don't know how much it will help. We have talked about marriage, but I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. Any advice or experiences?
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Hi rachel11, I can only speak from kinda your boyfriend's perspective. I have ended some serious relationships because I could tell the person was really counting on and gambling on assuming someday I would become what they wanted. That I would be, for instance, more consistent, energetic and able to flow with them and life. As by faaaar the rule, rather than the exception. In the end, it exacerbated my own condition too much to know I "had" to be able to virtually promise permanent change. Between downswings, people who don't have these problems even have a way of innocently asking you (and expecting you to be able to answer) that it is in the past this time. But that promise can't *ever* be made, so the expectation is highly upsetting for both.But of course everyone's chances for making big permanent changes are different. And a lot depends on the way the person, here being your boyfriend, approaches it. In my case, I much prefer (and as a matter of fact, even ENsure) that I get to be alone during much of a period when I can't flow. I will try to be alone and am probably "too" content to be alone, even in good times. With that being my natural tendency, it was less likely that I would try as hard as humanly possibly to drag myself out and fix myself however I could for someone else's sake.
When I feel overwhelmed by everything, including how to get help and where to begin, I just want us to maintain a "skeleton schedule" together and see each other more when times swing up for me again. That's not how someone should be as part of a couple, so I seal my own fate. So if your boyfriend wants to get help and start seeing a therapist and is motivated to do so pretty equally for both of your sakes, I would have faith and talk/act as if you have faith for now. Unless he soon starts backtracking on the commitment to getting help -- or seeing only the bad in it -- I would try to believe. At least something *is* going to be done differently this time, which is the only way to find out.
And even if therapy didn't help him change a lot, I think some people whose problems make their emotional or physical availability somewhat inconsistent can still do ok in a relationship with someone who doesn't need their life together to be of the extremely traditional type only (i.e., defined roles and being able to know that they will stay reliably in place).
Good luck to you both! :- )
poster:spoc
thread:339967
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/340521.html