Posted by Voice of Peace on April 23, 2004, at 18:31:40
OK. Most of you probably know me as 8 Miles( or even something else), but for some reason, I cannot get that password to activate me. No bother.If you know me, you have heard my circumstances over the years. Well, I entitled this post as "end games" for many reasons. Mainly, I am finished playing the protecter-supporter god role for my wife. Strange how my self-sacrifices over the past decade have come to haunt me. When I used to ignore the advice of my family and friends to get out of the relationship when I had leverage over child custody. Based soley on 2 promises, one guilt-based, one faith-based. But no matter. I struggled for the past decade to get my wife to go to counseling, for us both to go to marital counseling, all to no avail. Not until 12/2002, when because of her suicidal ideations, I was able to convince her to voluntarily go into the hospital. Since that time, she has been seeing a Pdoc, and a personal counselor. We began marital counseling about 8 months ago, but that was put in hiatus because my "boss" changed my workhours (thus preventing a meeting during counselor's hours). So, we missed about 8 weeks. When we went back, my wife said that she was unhappy, and would consider anything up to and including separartion-divorce. The irony is so deep, and provocatively painful. After what I had done for so many years to take care of her, once she has was starting to feel better while regaining her selfconfidence, she discovered that I was no longer neccessary to her.
She has been telling our MC that "we have nothing in common besides our 9 year old girl". Gee, when did THAT come up? She has been waiting upon a cash legal settlement of significant value. My family has told me (months ago) that's ALL she was waiting on, something to provide her with the financial means to leave. I won't get into the specifics of our situation (unless anyone specifically asks about it), but I have changed myself so much to be her protector-provider, that my personality has been affected. I have become, what they call a co-dependent, hyper-vigilent person. I have given away so much of myself that I don't even know who I am anymore. Add to this a terrible job situation, and other conflicting commitments, and you get a person torn apart. You get me. She has no physical contact with me, but until just recently, we did keep up with the "I love you" and other terms of endearment. Today, she went to Ohio to visit her sister, no messages left, no stuffed animals we exhange when the other goes away. She called at 6:48 P.M. EST to tell me they had gotten there OK. I asked her "Do you love me?", her response was "OK, talk to you later". So what IS left between us? Our daughter?
There are places I would go against my will, things I would do against my own values, self-sacrifices that cannot even be named to keep my little girl with me. I would give it ALL away for her. Unfortunately, I would have to play hard-ball against a person (that surprisingly I still love)to have a chance. No matter how I play that hand, my daughter looses. I look increduously at people who have affairs, etc.., and don't worry about the kids. How dare they? How selfish! My daughter is the only thing I have done right in my life that has a tangible result to show. No way out. Quod te, per superos, et conscia numnia veri.Per, si qua est quae restat adhuc mortalibus usquam. Infermerata fides, oro, miserere laborum. Tantorum; miserere animi non digna ferentis.What can I say, this time it's much to late.
Pax vobisum, Dominus vobiscum, Nautae Domini.
VOP
poster:Voice of Peace
thread:339308
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/339308.html