Posted by tinydancer on March 30, 2004, at 15:17:35
And so was I, until I got the DID diagnosis. So I understand, on a lot of levels, what is going on, but I'm still mystified by her behavior. It's hurting me but I keep going back for more.
I feel like we're having this tug of war game. She pulls and I come. She pulls and I come. Then suddenly she disappears, and I patiently wait until SHE'S ready to play again. After a few rounds of this I start to question if something isn't wrong. Does she really like me? Is she mad at me? I'm getting mad at her? The next thing I know I get showered with gifts, a beautiful card professing what a wonderful person I am and how I should never doubt my worth as a friend to her...
She is my only friend. But she herself has a lot of friends, so I don't see her that often. Used to, but refer back to the previous paragraph.
Now she has begun criticizing my T and me. I was telling her about how I wanted a picture and finally got one. She told me that I was being very irritating and that I should have taken a no for a no the first time I asked. She thinks that I am wasting my time in therapy talking about my feelings for him and so on. Basically made me feel like a complete loser in every way. The fact is that my T did not say NO when I asked him for a picture. He said he would think about it and he did. I didn't pester him about it, I like to think I was being thoughtful and exploring the reasons behind why I wanted a picture and why he wanted to think about it.
I explained to her that I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't tell my T exactly what is on my mind. If its the same issues over and over, every week, so be it. To me there is no point in lying or denying what is really going on in my head just because it would be "irritating" to him. And I don't think it is. I just feel so attacked and down and sad about this friendship because I feel like I'm getting beat up and beat up really badly, and I'm acting like such a victim going back for more. We made plans to meet tommorow for lunch, because I couldn't get enough, you see...
And the thing is, this situation makes me feel a desire to self injure. But yet fights with my husband, or anger, makes me think, "No way am I scarring my body for THIS!" But yet I lack these feelings in this particular situation. I think its the helplessness that makes me crave self injury as a way to create some illusion of control, in a situation where there is none.
Anyone have any advice what I should do about this friend? What do you think? Be nice, I'm feeling really vulnerable.
poster:tinydancer
thread:330389
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330389.html