Posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
I am hurting bad bad bad right now. I just want to die, I feel like I'm trapped in this horrible life with no way to get out.
So what's going on. Well, I have had a very unstable marriage. There has been a lot of fighting, physical and verbal from both ends. (Meaning both myself and him were participants.)
We were in marriage counseling but that bombed since he wasn't willing to change and saw his only role as being the "healthy" one who was going to fix things, rather than owning any of the problems he has. Our story is way too long to write here, but today I came unglued. A whole week of watching the kid alone, every day, I should have known that I was risking my mental health.We got into an argument and he just lost his temper. He was screaming right in my face pointing his finger and challenging me. I commanded him to stop and reminded him that I was a woman, and his wife and it just wasn't right to speak to me in the way he was. But he wouldn't stop. I tried to get away but he wouldn't stop. I finally just lost it and started hitting him with my hands as hard as I could screaming that I hated him.
I'm so heartbroken and disappointed in myself. I want to be strong enough not to let him get to me, but this time I was too weak, and let myself get violent. I didn't leave black and blue marks, and I didn't do any serious damage but I don't believe in double standards-like it is worse when he hits me. I know what I did was wrong.
I feel so alone and that I have failed everyone and everything. I feel like I fell a million steps down, when everything seemed to be doing so well. It hurts so much to realize I did this. He didn't hit back, he has in the past but this time he didn't. I just feel horrible. I did apologize and we are trying to talk but I feel like I should just be locked up. Please can anyone write anything to me?
poster:tinydancer
thread:321089
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/321089.html