Posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
is that I was dead.
Though then I wonder if that's really what I want. Maybe not.
Maybe what I want is:
- to not hurt
- to not live in fear of everything
- to be able to enjoy life and living
- to be *happy*, whatever that is
- to have a job I enjoy going to at least most of the time
- to feel a sense of fulfillment
- to be able to sleep soundly and wake rested
- to not be in such a financial mess; to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and worry about being able to make ends meet.I can deal with my family stuff. I can deal with my weight problems. I have no problem being in therapy. I can even accept taking medication, as long as it's working. But I am so tired, soooo tired, of not knowing if I want to wake up in the morning, of waking up in the middle of the night and then not being able to get back to sleep because I can't turn off my brain, of feeling like the only thing that's keeping me here these days is my dogs, of disliking my job and feeling so out of place and living in fear of being fired or being reprimanded for not doing my job.
And I'm tired of hearing, "Get over it." Or "You may as well learn to like your job."
I'm frustrated with myself. I feel like the world truly wouldn't be a worse place without me. I feel insignificant, and, yet, I feel as though the world is going to come crashing down around my feet if I can't get a grasp on my responsibilities. I know it won't; I'm not so arrogant as to think that I have *that* much influence over things. Perhaps I should say I feel as though MY world will come crashing down around my feet.
I'm ready for the holidays to be over. Money is stressing me out, my credit is ruined, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and my job is just allowing me to scrape by. If I had to go to a job everyday that I didn't like but I was making enough money to allow me to be under less financial strain, maybe then it would be more worth it. But that's not the case. And it's not as though I can just quit. I am truly living paycheck to paycheck, with no emergency plan.
Yes, I'm feeling hopeless. And sorry for myself. I apologize for whining.
Spiraling into the Pit...
P
poster:Penny
thread:287673
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/287673.html