Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 19:25:47
In reply to death, posted by geri122 on November 26, 2003, at 15:09:47
Hi Geri,
I know what it is like to believe that I am not making any contribution to the world. I know what it is like to believe that I can't tolerate the pain any longer. I think that these are similar (but not the same) as feeling that no one would miss me if I were gone.
I was at a point where I believed that I had done everything I could to make things better. I had NO hope that anything could change. I believed I would be in excrutiating pain forever. But I couldn't end my pain right then - I needed to stay around for 3 more years for my daughter. I promised myself that if I was still in such pain in 3 years that I would leave.
I then looked at the pain I was dealing with and decided that it couldn't get much worse. This allowed me to start to consider some things that I never thought I would consider. In my case, I was incredibly dependent on my therapist (8 1/2 years). The sun rose and set on her, and she was the only thing that kept me above water. But there had been some talk about making me switch therapists. I had fought that idea with every inch of my being. But, since it couldn't get much worse than it was, I started to consider things that I wouldn't consider before - including changing therapists. As soon as I started thinking about that I started to get a little hope. I've been with my new therapist for 5 months now, and I am no longer suicidal. Life is still difficult - very difficult - but I have hope.
So, yes. I know about death, and I was ready to deal with it. But even though I was SURE that nothing could change to relieve my pain - something did change. And now I'm trying yet again to make a life worth living.
My story is different from yours - but the hopelessness is probably not very different. For what it is worth, I have found (with me and with my friends) that other people do care more than we think they do. That we contribute more to the world than we think we do. Depression makes it so that sometimes you don't see things very clearly. My solution (changing therapists) is probably not the right solution for you. But I truly think that there IS a right solution for you - and I hope that you can find it.
Are you in therapy? Are you on meds? How old are you? Is your family supportive? Do you have friends who SAY that they would miss you (I'm always amazed at my friends who tell me that noone would miss them - when I would miss them VERY much!)?
Please let us know how you are doing.
poster:fallsfall
thread:284151
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/284254.html