Posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 13:50:26
In reply to Insecure in relationship, posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
Hello, Almond Joy. :-)
>>I always worry he's eventually going to get tired of me being sick (anxiety/depression)
<<Symptom of your depression, worrying about things that might go wrong.
>>Everything is cool (except for my moodiness) then I get really depressed and cry alot, which makes him really uncomfortable
<<He loves you. :-) So I'm sure seeing you hurt makes him hurt. Not the ideal situation, I know, but he's a wonderful person for being so strong when you need someone.No relationship is perfect, and a relationship involving someone with emotional issues like depression/anxiety, can make it even tougher to cope. Trust me, I know. I'm the depressive in any relationship I've ever been in. :-) And I've also dated a guy with serious depression problems. But it sounds like your guy is pretty darned cool.
Throughout history there have been strong partners who have empathized and understood what their partner is going through, and they are OK with that. We rarely seem to hear about them now because all the relationship talk is about how you shouldn't put up with someone who is *dysfunctional* or *unhappy all the time,* etc. But you *can* have depression/anxiety/fill-in-the blank and be a healthy partner, too. And there's no reason he would want to leave a healthy partner that he loves. :-)
I mean that. Do you respect him and care for him? Are you honest with him? Do you meet some of his needs and some of his wants? And are you trying to deal with your anxiety/depression head on, trying to make your life as healthy as possible? (No person will *ever* meet *all* of another's needs or wants.) If you are doing these things, then you are giving back to him, too, which is wonderful. It's *okay* to let the other person be strong once in a while. It's *okay* not to be in the perfect mood all the time, and that *doesn't* mean you aren't worth dating and loving.
Damage (to a relationship) can come when you don't acknowledge you have an emotional/mental health problem and don't try to cope with it. Or when you use unhealthy ways of coping, like trying to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol or infidelity. It's *okay* to tell your partner you are sad, or that you are scared he'll leave, or that you just want to stay in tonight. It's not *okay* to turn your moodiness around and act like it's his fault, or to yell at him just because you feel crummy yourself. I'm not saying you do these things at all. I'm just trying to point out different ways depression can manifest itself in a person's behavior. And why a person with emotional problems can still be a *healthy* person. It's not *what* you feel that defines you, it's how you cope with it.
And he apparently sees someone (you) who is fun, interesting, kind, attentive to him, loves him, etc., and from whom he gains quite a lot just knowing and hanging out with. :-) That's wonderful! People are only perfect on TV. :-)
If it makes you feel better, you could try and find some groups for partners of depressed persons, or books. Help him understand a bit better what you are going through, etc. There is a great book out on how to ncope with a loved one who is depressed, but I can't think of the name right now. I'll find it if you want, though.
Does any of this make sense? What I'm trying to say to you, bottom line, is even if you have depression/bipolar/schizophrenia/anxiety/whatever, YOU ARE STILL WORTH LOVING AND HE'S NOT A FOOL TO STICK AROUND! :-)
Really.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:259543
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/259934.html