Posted by Tabitha on September 2, 2003, at 15:38:27
In reply to Re: Discontent, Confusion, Loneliness, Longing » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2003, at 4:17:47
> Well, I don't know if I can aid, but I'll rush to support. What you're feeling is so darn close to what I'm feeling. I'm even not terribly in tune with my therapist, who is in a "fix it" mode, when what I need is a "holding" mode. I need to be emotionally held, and reminded that there's at least one place I can connect. And he wants to do some pretty intrusive CBT. It may not be a dramatic tragedy, but I consider that feeling of intrinsic existential loneliness to be pretty tragic indeed. (((((Tabitha))))) I wish I could make it go away for you. I wish I could give you a real life hug, or sit around watching depressing movies with you. Or broad comedies. Whichever helps you more.
Thanks Dinah, that understanding really helps. I have my session at 4pm, and somehow I feel certain she'll spend it nagging me to eat protein for breakfast, make a daily schedule, and place a personal ad. And/or get a med consult. And none of that nagging will prompt any action. I'd better just go in there and tell her those fears.
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> I've already given up on finishing my current project, and have already heard the frustrated "I told you so" from my poor beleagured husband. I'll do a bit more in the evenings. What is it about it that depresses you the most? I think with me, it's that it reminds me of how much I'm like my mother. Because there's no real sin in starting and not completing a project. The trouble lies in interpreting something into it other than we're just human with short attention spans and limited energy.
So true, but then there's the remnants of the project lying around. I keep sorting them, storing them, then years later giving them to charity. You're right, no reason to feel guilty.>
> Your ex sounded rather over the top with his neediness. And insensitive about it as well. With some maturing to do that it sounds like you've done (although everyone needs tune ups from time to time). You may feel needy, but you realize the neediness is yours. And you don't try to grab what you need from the other without any regard for their boundaries and wellbeing.Thanks so much for saying this! It really made a difference. I hope it's true. He was such a negative mirror for me, for the way I used to relate to people, before all the therapy. I've gotten better, I think.
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> Have you been in a group before? I think you said it was a pretty intensive psychodynamic group? That is a big decision to make. Are there some questions you can ask her to clarify your reservations? What is the general level of functioning in the group? Since many of your concerns right now are relational, I can see the advantages. And you appear from here, at least, to have the psychological maturity to be able to withstand the challenges of being confronted. I've always wanted to experience it, but I recognize my own limitations too well to think I'm anywhere near ready. What sort of benefits do you think you can glean from such a group? And what are you afraid might happen? Is this what you want to focus on during your sabbatical? Do you want to reach and grow during it? Or are you more interested in nurturing yourself and giving yourself respite?These are the right questions to ask. I just assume I always need more relationship therapy, until I'm actually able to form and sustain nurturing relationships. But I don't have any enthusiasm for the group at all now. I also feel the therapist is disappointed in me, or doesn't really want me in the group. Lots of confusion.
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> Part of my depressed mood tonight was a psychologist's review of the movie A.I. with Haley Joel Osment as the little boy robot who is programmed to love his "mother" with a perfect intense love that she just can't tolerate. And the review went on to talk about the failure of the mother to love him back. And how the myth of perfect unconditional mother love was just that - a myth. And how none of us ever gets the sort of love we need, and all of us grow up feeling that lack. It was so true. And so in keeping with my present mood of terrible sorrow over the universal human condition. (or what I imagine the universal human condition is at least) We are, in the end, all so alone. Even the most beloved. Like my grandma. Everyone loved her. She was so giving. She had children and grandchildren and community and a husband that adored her. Oh, you should have seen my grandfather look at her. And yet, she never gave a hint of what was going on inside. She did for others, she gave, she worked. But I can't help feeling that as enriched as her life was, as full of work and family and love and church, that she too must have been alone with her pain. I wish I could have asked her some questions about life, but I suspect that she would have told me that life was work and family and church, and wouldn't have mentioned the icky stuff underneath.
True, true, true. Makes me want to pick up buddhist practice again, because it just starts with the assumption that the human condition is painful and difficult.
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> Eesh, maybe I shouldn't have answered today. Today I'm just too pessimistic that any of us will ever get what we so desperately need. Gabbi described it so much better than I ever could (as usual). I need to bookmark that post.
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> Not much aid, I'm afraid. Just some commiseration.No, much aid, really. Thank you.
poster:Tabitha
thread:256268
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/256377.html