Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 22:21:14
All day long I tried to get the nerve to ask my boss/ friend/ counselor to lunch tomorrow. Granted the boundaries of our relationship are fuzzy. We've known each other over 10 years, I've seen her for counseling and gone to her meditation classes. I just started doing some work for her last year, and sometimes we see each other at social events where there are lots of other people. She will say things sometimes like, "We'll have to go (fill in the activity)", or "I'll have to take you to (fill in the destination)", like friends would, but we never end up doing it--for the most part. She did come to my new place and loan me an air purifier. She's taken me out on my birthday and graduation. Once we went out to dinner from work casually, but that was long ago.
It seemed like every time I got near doing it today she would run away. I know that sounds paranoid, but it's true. I am not entirely insensitive to energy, and it seemed like she was avoiding me. She is pretty sensitive to things too, which makes me think all the more that she was avoiding me. I'm wondering if my insecurity makes it really hard to be around me. The problem with depression is that it perpetuates all these self-abnegating patterns until nothing is clear anymore.
There was no flow and then it became too big a deal to ask her. Then to add insult to injury, as I was sitting at the typewriter she and the other employee left for dinner (they go every Thursday night, so it's not like it was something new) telling me to leave the back door open for the people that would be coming in for class. The other person has been working there a lot longer, but still I've been there almost a year and I feel hurt that we don't ever go out. I also see other clients of hers ask her to lunch from time to time, but I just haven't felt comfortable.
I sat there feeling so weird. I don't know whether to say something or not; I mean if she is feeling llike avoiding me I doubt she's going to tell me. Maybe she's not even conscious of it, but still wants to avoid me. Or maybe she's not even conscious of it and I am making the whole thing up. But I have been really needy lately and maybe she needs a break. Can I look at that as other than rejection?
I could call her tonight before she leaves to go home (she teaches a class until 10:00). I could do nothing and try to come to terms with it myself. I could wait until tomorrow and see how I feel.
But I'm ruminating over it and feeling really bad. I woke up this morning and said, "Today I'm going to ask her to lunch." Because I've been wanting to do it for awhile.
I don't want to put her on the spot, but on the other hand she has said that she likes me and considers me a friend.
Any thoughts?
poster:kara lynne
thread:250927
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030808/msgs/250927.html