Posted by Penny on August 5, 2003, at 14:21:12
I am so jittery and nervous as a cat. I hate hate hate feeling this way. I can't even breathe, feel like I'm gasping for air.
I feel like a lost little girl, except that I'm not - I'm a grown woman, but I just don't feel that way.
Thanks again, all, for your concern last week. My week in the psych ward was an interesting one to say the least. Gave me a different perspective on things. Met some really good people (patients, not so much staff!) and some really strange people and realized that (not that I didn't already know this, but it was brought to my attention) there are folks who have been battling the Pit for longer than I have and harder than I have and can't seem to win. One woman had had ECT twice, was married with a loving family, had a good education, had been on every med out there, and was the first to tell you that her life was wonderful - but she continues to battle severe life-threatening depression, complete with multiple suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations. She's a wonderful intelligent creative woman, and I wish so much that she wasn't in so much pain. There were folks from all walks of life, and it proves, again, that mental illness doesn't discriminate in any fashion. Very troubling.
But, I returned to work today, entirely too soon, and my office has moved to the first floor, so I'm right by my boss, and I have been shaking all day. I had major anxiety while in the hospital and the good doctor (meant sarcastically) wouldn't give me much of anything, though one night they did give me an ativan, but that didn't even touch it. After returning home I had a couple days of reprieve from the anxiety, but now it is back full force. My pdoc (my REAL pdoc, not the doc I saw in the hospital) is holding my meds, minus what I get a week at a time. My finances are really stressing me out and, right when I need her most, I'm going to have to cut back on therapy. My therapist has been so wonderful, calling me almost every day while I was in the hospital and calling me every day since I've been out. I see her today at 4:30, and I'm supposed to see her on Thursday, but I can't afford to until I get a second job. I'm going to talk to her about it, and I'm really really hoping she will work with me until I get another job. I hate to cut back on therapy, as it is one of the things that is keeping me going, but it's either that or not be able to pay my other bills, and those I don't have a choice about.
Feeling extremely tense right now. Feel like crying. Still thinking of suicide, although I am really hoping there is some other way out of my predicament. I just can't live with not being able to pay my bills, and I can't continue with being scared of everything going on in my life - I'm terrified of my boss, even though I have no reason to be, I'm terrified that they're going to figure out that I don't really do much at my job, I'm scared of not being able to go back to school, of choosing the wrong 2nd career, of losing my current job, of not finding a 2nd job, which I have to find to make ends meet, of cutting back on therapy, of not being able to afford my meds, of absolutely everything. Everything. I'm just living in constant fear, and something's got to give. I hope it's not me, but if something doesn't change soon, I don't know. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm going to talk to my therapist about all of this tonight, and hopefully she can talk some sense into me....
I hope everyone is hangin' in there. I haven't had much time to read over all the posts I missed during my week out of commission, so I apologize for not being up-to-date on what's happening with everyone. But I do, once again, want to thank all of you who were thinking about me last week for caring. In case you didn't know it, or in case you need reminding, you are all very special wonderful people.
Heading out now for therapy. YAY!!! Keep your fingers crossed that my therapist will work her magic on me once again - plant my feet firmly on the ground - help me see some reality (and some hope).
P
poster:Penny
thread:248297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030727/msgs/248297.html