Posted by tina on July 17, 2003, at 20:07:28
In reply to Re: He said it out loud finally » tina, posted by noa on July 17, 2003, at 19:32:16
I lied in bed last night just thinking about all the drugs I have in the house and really wanted to just get up and take them. I didn't though. I took one extra clona epam and fell asleep. I got up this morning and cried my way to work and at work and all the way home. My boss is very understanding though. She let me spend most of the day in the stockroom doing transfers so I didn't have to hide my tears in front of customers.
I'm not emotionally close to my family. They don't like emotions. It's like they think feelings are a sickness and they don't want to catch it so they run away or block them or tell me just to move on and get it over with. the last thing I want to hear right now is "get half" or "make sure your lawyer screws him good"
I don't have a therapist....I can't afford one. I can't afford meds but I'm accepting that pretty easily. I don't want to take meds right now. I want to be clear headed.
I just look around at everything in this house. Everything that we've accumulated together. all my dreams and hopes and plans.....up in smoke. The most annoying and frustrating thing is he can't give me a reason. He just says he's not happy and doesn't want to come home. He is being so infantile. I can't even explain what he's like right now. He wants a divorce but doesn't know why. He wants to get rid of me but he has no reasons.
I just dont get it at all. I don't want this, HE does but he is making no moves legally to actually divorce me. No petition, no lawyer, nothing. It's like he's just hoping I'll disappear or something. I'M the one who has had to move first because of the money situation. I feel like a gold digger but I don't have the luxury of just sitting and waiting until he fixes his head. HE has a really good paycheck. I have always worked part time. He CAN soul search and procrastinate all he wants because he's financially secure. Now I look like the bad guy because I have to move this along. He has always done this. Always waiting, procrastinating, no matter who it hurts. I can't live like that. My job isn't secure. My life isn't secure. I feel like I'm walking on thin, cracking ice. Any minute I'm going to fall through and drown.GOd, what a whiner huh? Dammit. You guys asked and I just let it all pour out. There's a tonne more but I think this whine has gone on long enough. Thanks for listening.
love to all
tina
poster:tina
thread:242723
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/243011.html